


Can't go on without you

by FadingDragon



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Accident, Amnesia, Angst, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2020-11-01 02:16:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 31,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20806895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FadingDragon/pseuds/FadingDragon
Summary: Daniel has a bad accident in a race. And it turns out that he lost part of his memories.





	1. The accident

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, this is my first work so please be nice. English isn't my first language so there's probably gonna be some mistakes.  
And I would love to hear if you like it or not or what I could do better... I'm probably gonna be horrible with posting regularly but I'll try my best.  
And I don't really know how long this is gonna be so Yeah :)  
Hope you enjoy it.

It’s already to late when he realises that he shouldn’t have made the move. Of course he was not going to let him pass without putting up a fight. Their cars touch at such a high speed, Daniel knows he’s gonna crash.

’_Not again ’ _he thinks and tries to prepare himself for the violent impact. ‘_Why can’t his race just go smoothly for once?’_

\-----------------------------

There’s this loud noise and suddenly everything has gone black. His head is spinning and he’s feeling sick. Where is he? And why is his head feeling like it’s going to explode? The spinning and dizziness only seems to be getting worse. He tries to move is body but he’s trapped. He can’t move his legs and his arms feel so heavy he isn’t able to move. He tries to scream but he can’t, trying to talk send a bolt of pain through is head. He just wants the pain to stop but it’s only getting worse.

Something is smelling really bad, like something is on fire. He can’t detect what it is and only now he realises that he hasn’t opened his eyes yet. God, why is he feeling so sleepy?

_‘Don’t fall asleep, Daniel’_ he tells himself. _‘Don’t fall asleep’. _His head is still throbbing but he manages to open his eyes slightly.

He is in his race car, upside down and it’s quite dark from what he can register. The smell still hasn’t disappeared and he’s starting to get worried. Why can’t he move his legs? And why is no one getting him out of the car?

“Dan, are you ok mate?” He hears his race engineer call over the radio. He tries to move his fingers but he feels like he’s paralysed. He feels himself getting sleepy again, his eyes feeling heavier than ever. “Dan? Dan, you need to answer me. Are you ok?” ‘_No, I’m not ok’ _ he tries to speak but there’s just warm air leaving his lips. His head is throbbing and everything is spinning. He just wants to get out of the damn car but he still can’t move. Over the loud noise in his head he can hear the marshals screaming and trying to get him out. But he feels like he isn’t going to make it out of the car. He feels so tired, he just wants to close his eyes and fall asleep.

“_Hey! Come on Dan! It’s not over yet, don’t even think about closing your eyes! Dan, come on. You can’t fall asleep now mate!”_

Dan can feel himself getting sleepier and sleepier, he won’t be able to stay conscious. ‘_Max’ _he thinks to himself. ‘_Max has told you to stay awake. Stay awake!’ _But fighting against this darkness is no use, he can’t win. So he lets himself drift into unconsciousness.

\-------------------------------

Max knows Daniel is in serious trouble as the passes by the wreckage for the first time. And as much as he wants to believe it’s not his car, he knows it’s Daniel’s. Max knows it isn’t the sister car, it can’t be the sistercar. He had retired just after the race started. As much as he wished it wasn’t Dan in the wreckage, he knows it’s Dan. The safety car feels like it’s going on forever, they have passed the wreckage now multiple times and Dan is still trapped underneath his car. Max hasn’t seen the accident happen but looking at all the car parts lying around and have dismantled the car is, it must have been really bad. The car must have carried a lot of speed to roll that far over the gravel and into the tirewall. Another lap goes by and Daniel is still not out of the car. Max is starting to panic, only really bad injuried drivers take that long to be pulled from their cars. The medical staff have dug their way through the tires and surround Dan’s cockpit now. Max tries to focus on his race and on his car but the image of the wrecked car seems to be stuck in his head. Out of the corner of his eyes he can see a helicopter landing behind the barriers, ready to fly Daniel to the nearest Hospital. When the safety car makes its way around the circuit once more the marshalls are just lifting the car off the track. The helicopter is gone. The medical staff seems to have vanished.

“Stay focused mate! Keep fighting Max, it’s not over yet” GP his race engineer calls over his radio. ”Keep your head down, you’ve got a race to win!” ‘_Keep fighting’ _Max thinks to himself. ‘_Keep fighting Daniel!’_


	2. I used to call you my own

His head feels like it’s going to explode. His entire body feels like he’s on fire. His limbs feel so heavy, he doesn’t even try to move them. ‘_Where am I?’ _He tries to think of the last thing he can remember. He slowly opens his eyes. The light is burning into his eyes, everything is so bright. He seems to be surrounded by some white wall. He tries to move his head, but a bolt of pain shoots through his neck and head. Slowly he starts to feel the bed underneath him. Some machines making soft noises. He must be in a hospital Dan guesses. But what happened? He tries to remember. A flash of memories shoots through his head. His car flying through the air and digging into the barriers. He feels so tired, everything hurts and nobody seems to be anywhere near him.

He had layed still for quite some time until he can move his head enough to see that actually he isn’t alone in the room. Michael is sitting on a chair beside his bed and is looking at his phone. He looks like he hasn’t slept for ages, dark circles under his eyes and his hair looks like it desperately need a wash. “Michael” Dan tries to call him but his tongue feels like it’s made out of paper. “Michael!” He tries again and this time it’s audible even though still not very loud. Michael looks up and lets out a relieved sigh. “ Oh thank God! Finally. How are you feeling?” “I.. I.. Water” It’s still only a hoarse whisper but Michael understands. He fills up a cup from the bedside table and holds it to Dan’s lips. “Better?” “ Yeah, still feel like shit though..” “Yeah, well that’s not surprising. I’ll call the doctor.” Michael leaves and a few minutes go by until the door opens again.

It’s not Michael though but a Doctor, who comes in and closes the door. “Hi, I’m Doctor Nakano. How are you feeling?” “I… Not that good to be honest, everything hurts.” “With Injuries like these it’s normal to feel like that. Especially head injuries take quite some time to heal. At first I’ll do some tests and then I’ll ask you some questions if that’s okay?” “Um.. yeah sure.” The doctor does a lot of little tests with him and then takes out a clipboard and a pen and starts to write something down. “Can you tell me your name?” “ Daniel Joseph Ricciardo” He writes down something again. Dan leans back a bit and tries to relax. “What’s your birthday?” “First of July 1989.” “Name of your parents?” “Joe and Grace” “Where do you live?” “Monaco” “Do you know why you’re in this hospital?” “I had a car accident.” “Any more details you remember?” “Um… I touched with someone and the car rolled and hit the barriers.” “Okay, where are you?” “In a hospital bed…” “I mean what City? At wich track did this accident happen?” Dan tries to sort his memories out. It all seems so distant but he knows it has to be it. ”I think Montreal, Canadian GP” “Are you sure?” He thinks again, after a moment he is sure. ”Yes.” “Can you tell me the date?” “Umm… um, I… don’t remember the exact date but somewhere around first weekend in June.” “What year?” Dan’s confused. Why would he be asking that. “2018, obviously.” The doctor frowns at him but doesn’t comment on it any further. “Alright good. We’re all done here. Try to get some rest! I’ll come back later.” He stands up and moves towards the door. “Can Michael come back in?” “Okay, but only for a few minutes, you need to rest.” He opens the door and leaves.

Michael comes back in soon after. He’s got a weird look on his face but Dan doesn’t feel like commenting on it. At least Michael is here with him. He thinks for a second. Max. Max should be here. “Max.. where is Max?” Michel frowns at him. He looks at him without saying anything for a bit. “Max is probably back in Monaco recovering from the party.” “Party? What party?” “Max won the race. Winners party” “Oh.. so he wasn’t here?” Michael seems to grow more and more confused. “No, he wasn’t here” Dan can’t hide his disappointment. That his boyfriend prefers to party and fly home instead on checking on him leaves a sour tastes in his mouth. “When can I go home?” “Well, they want to keep you in hospital for a bit. But they could transfer you if you like.” “To Monaco?” “Well if you want, yes.” “Yeah, I need to prepare for the next race.” “Dan, your season is over… I’m sorry but you won’t race again this season” Michael says this with such a finality Dan doesn’t argue with him. Instead he leans back an closes his eyes. “I’m tired, maybe you should leave!”

Dan’s not in a good mood for the next days and doesn’t want to talk to anybody. Not even his mum can cheer him up. His mood gets slightly better when he’s transferred back to Monaco. Michael knows better than to try to make Dan talk, so he lets him sulk.

Back in Monaco he finally starts to talk to Michael again. “Can you ask Max to come?” Dan remembers more from the race now, how he and Max had a fight after Dan told him to just play it save and not try any risky moves. Max wasn’t very happy with that, but Dan still couldn’t believe he didn’t come to visit him in the hospital. “Um.. yes sure. And um… Cyril is also here and wants to talk to you once you feel fit enough.” Dan is confused, Cyril? who is Cyril? And why would this Cyril want to talk to him? “Yeah sure, but not today. I’m still too tired.” “Yeah, no worries mate!” Michael leaves and Daniel wonders why he’s been acting so strange since the accident. Dan falls asleep after a little while.

_“You need to let him go!” “What if I can’t?” “You really don’t have a choice in this…” The way Michael looks at him hurts Dan. So much pain and sadness…_

When Daniel wakes up it’s starting to get dark outside. Through his window into the corridor he sees Max talking to his new Doctor. Max looks different but Dan can’t put his finger on what it is. He continues to watch their conversation and Dan just can’t keep his eyes off Max. Somehow he looks even more handsome than Dan can remember. Max nods at something the doctor says and shakes his hand before Dr. Richards leaves. Max pauses for a moment and seems to contemplate wether to come in or not. Dan is surprised. As if something keeps him from entering Dan’s room, but eventually opens the door. Instead of coming in he halts in the doorway.

“Michael said you wanted to see me?” Max’s tone is unreadable and definitely not the softness Dan was expecting. “ I was waiting for you to come see me. Took you long enough anyway!” Max sights. “I was busy.” His tone is hard and there’s a coldness in his eyes that scares Dan, but he tries to play it off. “Busy? So busy you couldn’t even visit your boyfriend after such an accident?” Max doesn’t reply. “ Come on Max! You can’t really be still annoyed that I won Monaco! I didn’t crash my car into the barriers in FP3.” Max stares at him with those same cold eyes he had since he entered Dan’s room. “I didn’t really believe the doctor when he told me that..” Max stops midsentence and turns away.

Dan understand enough dutch to know those cursewords that escape Max’s mouth. “ This can’t be happening” he says more to himself than to Dan. “What do you mean Max? What can’t be happening?” Dan’s confused. Max was keeping something from him, but he couldn’t figure out what. So when Max doesn’t answer he decides to drop it. “ You look good Max. Michael told me you won the race. I didn’t think it was one of our strong circuits but if there’s someone who can win with any car it’s you Max!” Dan always knew Max would be a better driver than him one day. From the first time he saw Max race he knew. “Started from Pole. Pretty easy race for us, pretty boring as well” was the only thing Max replies. ‘Pole Position? But Max started third.’ Nothing makes sense anymore. Since Dan woke up everything seems off, as if he was in an alternative universe. “Well I better go now! I’ve got an early flight to Austin tomorrow. I really hope you get better soon!” Max is already on his way out when Dan can reply. “ But… Max! Wait! What do…” Max is out the door before Dan can finish his sentence. ‘Austin? Why the hell would he fly to Austin? And Pole?’ Max seemed so different and distant. His thoughts were interrupted by his doctor entering his room. “ You should get some rest now! I will talk to you tomorrow!” He leaves just as quickly as he entered and it takes Dan awhile to fall into an uneasy sleep.

\--------------------------------------------- 

Outside the hospital Max is leaning against a wall and breathing heavily. He didn’t think talking to Daniel would be that hard. But seeing him like this, so weak, full of bruises and staring at Max so longingly, brought out feelings in Max he didn’t think he would ever experience again. He hadn’t seen Daniel smile at him in ages. A happy smile, without all that sadness and pain in his eyes with wich he was looking at Max now. Max didn’t even remember the last conversation they had, beside those fake media interactions. The last one he remembered was..- ‘No this can’t be true’ Max thinks to himself. ‘This can’t be the last time we had a conversation…’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh hope you liked it :)  
pretty much have another chapter written
> 
> let me know what you think :)


	3. Memory lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI: italics indicate a memory, or a throwback ( at least in most cases ;) )  
Hopefully this makes kinda sense, even though there's a lot more still to come.

Dan has tried to rest and get as much sleep as possible but weird dreams keep jerking him awake. And somehow those dreams feel much more real than normal ones.

_“You’re a monster! How could you? How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me…”_

When he wakes up he tries to remember who was saying these words… Was it him? Was it someone else? But he just can’t remember. Michael arrives sometime in the morning. “ The doctors said your injuries are healing well, you just need a lot of rest for a while and then when you’re stronger physio for you’re broken leg but you could technically go home…” “ Technically?” “ There’s something else! Dan, what the last thing you remember before the crash?” Dan is confused. Hasn’t this been asked before. “The race. Canada ” Michael looks sad. “ I think it’s better if Dr. Richards explains that to you” Michael leaves without any explanation and moments later the doctor comes in. “ So what’s going on? Why can’t I go home?” Dan asks, angry at Michael for not explaining anything to him. “You can go home soon Mr. Ricciardo. When I asked you those questions the other day the answers were… well, not quite right. When we ran some test we could seen some head injuries, but most of them only minor and they will heal with time, you just need to rest.” “What do you mean most of them?” “You also got quite severe memory loss, caused by those head injuries. And amnesia can be very tricky. Normally memories come back after a few days and in most cases return over a couple of weeks but sometimes…” Dan felt like someone hit him in the face. “ Memory loss? But remember everything! I mean it’s normal to not fully remember an accicent but…” Michael comes back in. “your Boss is here, he wants to speak to you after” The doctor continues “We will run a few test and then you should be all good to go. There isn’t really anything we can do about the amnesia. You need rest and time, and it’s easier in familiar surroundings not at the hospital. I’m sorry Mr. Ricciardo.” Dr. Richards leaves and Dan is left with Michael. “So Horner wants to talk to me? Can’t he wait? I’m not really in the mood to talk to him” Michael studies him for a moment and then replies ” Dan, you didn’t crash in Montreal you crashed in Japan! And Horner isn’t your teamboss anymore.” Dan feels like someone ripped the ground out underneath his feet. 4 Months? He’s forgotten 4 Months? “RedBull has a new teamboss? What on earth happened?” “No Dan, Horner is still RedBulls TeamBoss but Cyril is your Boss now. You’re at Renault.” Dan doesn’t understand anything anymore. He’s at Reanault now? And Cyril is his boss? Renault? “So I…. But-..I.. I changed teams midseason?” Dan can already see the answer on Michael’s face. He didn’t change teams midseason. He remembers Dr. Richards face when Dan told him it’s 2018. “You decided to leave RedBull at the end of 2018” Daniel tries to think “ So I crashed in Japan, so it’s October 2019 now?” Michael looks at him with sad eyes. ”It’s the 20th October 2020. I’m sorry Dan…” 2020. October 2020. Dan hasn’t just forgotten a few months… “So you’re telling me I don’t remember over 2 years of my life? I’ve changed teams? What else?” Michael looks at him thinking. “The doctor said that you should remember it soon. You can go home later today.“ Daniel is angry and lost. “Can you at least give me a summary of what happened?” “ Dan, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” Dan tries to get anything out of Michael but not with very much success. He feels betrayed.

When he finally lies down in he’s own bed in the evening his head is buzzing. He didn’t really get much inside from Michael. Dan googled himself. It felt weird reading stuff about him that he didn’t even remember. Move to Renault. Dropping back in the Championship. He still seemed to have had his fair share of DNFs, some bad luck. Nothing with really surprised him, aside from the Renault move. All those things he was really curious about didn’t make it into the internet. So if Michael wouldn’t give him answers he would have to ask his boyfriend. Surely Max wouldn’t keep such information from him. After what felt like hours he finally falls asleep.

\----------------------------------------------

_“We don’t work anymore! This doesn’t work anymore… We’re not happy.” “What are your saying?” “I think we should stop!” “… stop? Stop what?” “Us. This relationship. It’s not gonna work!”_

The only thing he can remember is Max’s pained expression. But all those words don’t make any sense. Why would any of them two end their relationship? Sure they fight and stuff, but they always made up. He looks at his watch. 4 am. To early to get up, even though he doesn’t want to get back to sleep, there’s not really much else to do. But he already knows that those nightmares he’s having will return as soon as he falls asleep again.

_“Hey.. Can we talk?” “ There’s nothing to talk about”_

_“We don’t quit! At least let me explain!”_

_“If you leave now it’s over! And don’t even dare coming back!”_

When Dan wakes up the next morning he feels like he hasn’t slept at all. So much to trying to get as much rest as possible. For a while Dan lies awake in bed before deciding to get up and slowly making his way to the kitchen. Walking with that cast on his leg isn’t the easiest thing to do. Sometime during the day he remembers that it’s Friday and a race weekend so he turns on the TV and watches FP2. He knows watching it only makes him sadder that he’s not there racing his car around COTA but he’s to bored not to watch it. He’s getting mentioned and replays of his crash are being shown. As it turns out Max hasn’t just won the last race but also leading the Championship. 8 Points more than Hamilton is all that Max needs this Weekend to win the Championship. Dan can’t help but feel jealous. Of course Max deserves it and he wants no one else to win it than him but he keeps on thinking that it could have been him if he would still be with RedBull. Max ends up topping the session. Daniel can’t take his eyes of Max’s face in the interview afterwards. He looks so good, confident and there’s a calmness Dan hasn’t really seen with Max. Seeing Max like this makes Dan miss him even more. So he goes into his bedroom and tries to find one of Max’s jumpers that normally lie around somewhere. Weirdly enough Dan only find a single old hoodie that looks like it has been washed to much. Normally Max’s clothes where scattered around his place but maybe Max didn’t just turned more handsome but also more tidy. Dan decides to forget about the bad feeling in his stomach and go with that explanation. When Max comes back from the US he will ask him about it.

\--------------------------------------------

_“Say you know we can fix this and I will stay!” “I… I. You know I can’t” “Then say it! Say it’s over!” “Please… Max-” “Say it! Say it!” “It’s over. We’re done.”_

The rest of the weekend goes like this. Every time he falls asleep he has some weird kind of nightmare. But in the morning he normally can barely even really remember who was in them and what was said. He keeps watching F1 and is quite pissed at Hamilton after he crashes into Max in the opening lap. At least Hamilton wasn’t able to continue either. He decides that it’s probably better not to text Max after that DNF and decides to just show up to his apartment the next day.

_“A mistake? … A MISTAKE? People don’t you make that mistake!” “I know.. I.. I’m so sorry!”_

_“Get out!” “No. no! I won’t! We can survive this, I know we can!” “Get out of my house!” “Please! D-“ “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” _

Dan wakes up in a cold sweat. For most dreams it was pretty easy to forget about them but this one just feels to real and his heart is aching just thinking about it. He needs to talk to Max. He needs to make sure that those dreams really are just bad dreams, nightmares but nothing more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh so it's starting to get interesting ;)  
And obviously these dreams aren't just bad nightmares...
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter, let me know what you think :))


	4. Leave the past where it belongs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, long chapter ahead.  
Hope you enjoy it :)

Dan keeps walking to his front door and back into his living room again. Holding on to the door handle for a few seconds and the letting go, overthinking his move again and retreating into his living room. Maybe Max isn’t even in Monaco, maybe he’s in Milton Keynes working in the sim. Or maybe he’s moved out of his flat or even out of Monaco. After what feels like ages thinking about whether to go or not he finally decides to search for Max’s old apartment. For what feels like minutes he stares at the doorbell not sure whether to ring or not. ‘Come on Dan, it’s just Max’ he thinks and rings the doorbell. But nothing happens. No Max, not someone else, not even any movement can be heard inside the apartment. He’s just about to reach the elevators as the elevator doors open to reveal a tired looking Max. It takes a few seconds to realize who’s standing in front of him. “Daniel? What are you doing here?” Max seems more surprised than anything else. “ I need to talk to you. I.. I miss you.” Dan doesn’t really know what else to say so he steps forward and hugs Max. But Max doesn’t hug him back and Dan can feel how tense Max is. “Maybe we should talk in my apartment” Max suggests and Dan follows him a bit embarrassed back to his flat.

Once Max has dropped his bags in his bedroom he joins Dan in his kitchen. “ Do you want something to drink? “ Max offers. “ I need to know what happened. Please Max, everything.” Max looks at him suspiciously. “What do you mean?” “What happened between Canada 2018 and now. I have to remember. Michael won’t tell me anything.” Max moves to one of his chairs and sits down. He sights. “Well if Michael didn’t tell you there’s probably a reason. And the doctor said you will remember.” Daniel looks at Max, he’s gotten even more handsome and for October he’s still in spectacular form. But he’s so distant and so not like the Max he remembers at all. Like his Maxy. Something must’ve happened, a fight or something. “Why are you like this? So distant, so cold? What happened? Help me remember?” Max visibly flinched at Dan’s words. “ The doctors said you will remember, you just need time and rest.” “What if I don’t? What if my memory doesn’t return? Max can’t you just tell me?” Max looked at him with a painful expression. “Maybe it’s better if you don’t remember. Everything that happened, maybe it’s better like that.” “ What do you mean with everything that happened? Did we fight? Are we having a rough time?” Max starts pacing around the room. “Ha, a rough time… yeah you could say that.” Max’s expression seems emotionless. “Even if, we always had our bad times but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to remember. I mean there have to be a lot of happy memories as well!” “No Dan!” Max tone is harsher now, ”There aren’t any. Not with me.” Dan is to worked up to really process what Max is saying. “Come on Max, That’s how it has always been. A bit of fighting every now and then, some rough patches but we’ve always made up afterwards! Fights happen in relationships.” Max’s eyes seem so tired and he can see the sorrow in them. “That’s the thing Dan… we ..um.. we haven’t made up” “What do you mean? Couples always make up. We can make up now. Whatever it is I forgive you. And if I have said something stupid then I’m sorry Max. But I can’t handle you this distant.” “Dan, it’s not that easy. We didn’t just fight, we broke up! We’re not together anymore, we haven’t been in ages. The memories you’ve lost Dan, they’re not happy memories, not the ones we share.” Max looks away and Dan is finally starting to understand what he is saying. That’s why Max didn’t come to visit him, why he was so distant. But… “ No, this can’t be right. We are meant to be together Max. We can make this right” “ You don’t even remember what happened. I’m sorry Dan… I really am but we broke up. Along time ago.” “Why?” “It’s a long story. You know what they say, some just aren’t meant to last” “ There has to be a certain reason I know it! Maxy, please?” “There are many reasons, but trying to remember would only bring up pain. Digging up old memories we both tried to forget, believe me I wish I could just forget what happened, but I can’t. One day you’ll remember everything and you will understand why. I’m really tired now, barely got any sleep on the plane. And by the looks of it you haven’t gotten much sleep in the last few days” with that Max leaves towards his bedroom and Dan is left in the Kitchen. Slowly making his way back to his apartment, thinking about how he can find out what happened. 

_“ We don’t work anymore. This doesn’t work anymore. We’re not happy” “ What are you saying?” “I think we should stop.” “Stop? Stop what?” ”Us. This relationship. It’s not gonna work!” “It is, we just need to work a bit harder” “No, we have tried. And it hasn’t been better.” “Don’t say that. You can’t just give up on us. It’s not over” “Yes, it is. And you know it!”_

Another day where Dan wakes up with one of those weird dreams, but he’s starting to remember them better. And slowly Dan realizes that those dreams actually might be memories he’s forgotten about. And if that’s the case, Max was right. There aren’t any happy memories. Still Dan can’t put together what happened. The next time Michael visits him he confronts him about it. “Max. What happened with Max?” Michael looks at him surprised. “What? What do you mean what happened with Max. Do you remember anything?” He looks at him hopeful. “No. Well, not really. I just have these really weird dreams. And then I went to confront Max and he told me we split up.” Michael stays quiet for a while. “Why didn’t you tell me that we’re not together anymore?” “I didn’t think I was the right person to tell this story. And maybe I hoped you would get your memories back by now. Believe me, you more than anyone else wanted to forget what happened, leave it behind, but there are some things that you can’t just forget about. Some wounds take time to heal. Dan, those last 2 years were very hard on you, I know you want to know what happened but maybe you need to focus on getting better first.” Dan doesn’t know what to say. Whatever happened between him and Max must have been hard on him. And probably on Max too. Seeing him so distant, in a way cold but also full of pain, burned itself into Dan’s brain. “So you think it’s better if I just give up. And don’t even try to get my memories back? Michael, but I have to know..” “All I’m saying is that maybe you should forget about Max for a while. Don’t force it. Your memories will come back… but with time. And even if I told you now everything, you wouldn’t believe me Dan. And I wouldn’t even blame you. Right now Max is further away from you than he ever was, okay? And it has been like that for a while, a few weeks won’t make a difference. You won’t race this season again and there’s only a few weeks left anyway, so going back to Perth and letting your injuries heal, might not even be such a bad idea.”

Michael was right, going back home to Perth, was actually a good idea. Seeing his parents again made him feel much better already and his injuries were healing much better than expected. Even though he still had to walk around in that stupid cast, he was enjoying his time back home. Only at night when he would wake up in the middle of the night wondering if he’d just remembered another tiny little conversation, or fight, was he remembered of his memory loss. 

One morning when he just couldn’t stay in bed anymore he slowly made his way into the kitchen. It must have been still very early since his Mom almost fell of the chair when she suddenly saw Dan in the doorway. “Oh jeez Daniel, you scared me! Why are you even up this early?” He could see the worry in her face and he knows all to well that he can’t lie to her. She had always been able to read him like an open book. “Bad dreams, I couldn’t sleep” “Oh, Honey… Do you wanna talk about it?” She had always been a great listener and he’d always appreciated her advice. “I just…not knowing anything about the last 2 years, I don’t even know… it feels like I’ve lost myself. If you asked me 2.5 years ago where I would be now, I would never think that I would be here, alone… Mom, I just don’t understand..” “I wish I could help you remember Darling, sometimes life just doesn’t go our way. And I know that it’s not fair and you deserve so much better, but it will get better again it always does.” Dan looks at his Mom in despair. ”So what happened with Max? Why did he break up with me? Please Mom, if you know… can’t you just tell me?” She puts her hand over his cheek and then slowly drops her hand. ”Honey, from what you told me, you broke up with him. But I don’t really know much about that. When it came to Max you were always so protective. I just know that you two were having a hard time and then suddenly you broke up with him. But you wouldn’t tell me why, you wanted to be left alone after that, shut everyone out. We couldn’t really get to you, so we let you be. Believe me it was so hard seeing you like this. You were so angry, at everything. At yourself, at Max, at your car…” Dan stares at her in disbelief. But he loves Max why would he.. “But I would never break up with Max…. I love him more than anything. I wouldn’t do that…” “I don’t know Dan. I always accepted when you didn’t want to tell me something. That’s all you ever told me about that. It was always between you and Max.” She’s got tears in her eyes now and Dan knows that she wishes more than anything that he would have opened up to her. But he didn’t. He wipes a tear away with his thumb. “I’m so sorry Mom, I didn’t want to make you cry.” “No, don’t worry. I’m just so sorry for you. I wish I could help you with this, but I just don’t know how…” He kisses her on the forehead. “You are helping, just being there for me, listening to me, is already helping me. And I’m sorry that I shut you out. I am.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well, it'd starting to get serious...  
Hopefully it's starting to make sense, slowly ;)
> 
> Please let me know what you think.   
Would love to read some comments :))


	5. What hurts the most

Dan is so detached from everything when he’s back home that he completely forgets about F1. Even though he keeps thinking about Max constantly, he only finds out about Max winning in Mexico days later. And not only did he win the race but the World Title as well. Of course Dan is very happy for him, but in a way he can’t really understand how RedBull got a championship winning car. From what he remembers they where happy if they got a podium. Dan thinks about sending him a text and congratulating him, in the end he decides not to. Max probably doesn’t even care whether Dan acknowledges his title or not. Dan tries not to think about Max too much, he isn’t really successful though. Even if he doesn’t think about him during the day, the dreams at night remind himevery night again. And every morning Dan is left with the image of Max’s face in his head. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes screaming something at him in his dream. But he just can’t get rid of him. He remembers those dreams better now, some keep coming back. There’s one particular one that just keeps coming back almost every night, and he still can’t really fully figure out who says what. He knows he’s fighting with Max but every morning he is left wondering which words are his, and which are Max’s. Even though he feels like he should know, he just isn’t really sure.

_“Get out!” “No. no! I won’t! We can survive this, I know we can!” “Get out of my house!” “Please! D-“ “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” _

Another morning, another time that same dream, but today it feels different. The image of Max leaving his apartment just won’t leave his head. Did he really throw Max out of his apartment? He can’t imagine that he would ever do that but this Dan now seems to be very different from the Dan he remembers. He has started to write everything he remembers from his dreams down. Every word, every emotion he’s feeling, every emotion he can detect of Max’s face. But still he’s never sure if his mind is playing tricks on him or if the face actually matches the conversation. Sometimes Max’s is the one pushing him away and sometimes he’s the one pushing Max away.

_“Say you know we can fix this and I will stay!” “I… I. You know I can’t” “Then say it! Say it’s over!” “Please… Max-” “Say it! Say it!” “It’s over. We’re done.”_

_“If you leave now it’s over! And don’t even dare coming back!”_

_“You’re a monster! How could you? How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me…” “I do love you! I love you so much. D-“ “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have done this.”_

The more he writes down about those memories – Dan is pretty sure that they can’t just be bad dreams- the more sense it makes to him. Max must have done something that really upset Dan, enough bad to throw him out of his house, well apartment and break up with him. He’s pretty sure about that now. It must have been something that hurt Dan a lot, he’s sure of it. He wouldn’t call Max a monster if he didn’t actually do something very hurtful. Bad enough to know that they can’t fix it. Even if they tried. That was probably the reason why Max told him that telling him would only bring back pain and that he wished that he could forget about it too. The sadness in his eyes when he looked at Dan. Knowing that he did something that caused so much pain. To both of them.

Michael has come to visit him and Dan has already planned how to figure out if his assumptions have been correct. If there’s someone who knows about what happened between him and Max it’s Michael. “So I broke up with Max, Mom told me that. If I only knew why? I mean there has to be a reason…” But Michael isn’t that easy to break. So he tries something else. “I remember, but I’m not sure if it’s real or not. Please it might help me remember Michael.” “Fine, but you have to remember it on your own, there’s only little things I can help you with!” Finally at least a bit of an success with Michael. This is at least a start. “I broke up with Max, because of something he did right? Something that hurt me.” Michael looks at him suspiciously. “Isn’t that pretty obvious, why else would you break up with him?” Well that was easier than Dan thought. “He does not love me anymore right? For whatever reason, he stopped.” Michael turns away, he wants to tell Daniel so bad, but he can’t he promised. “ Was it so bad? What happened. So unforgiveable, that we couldn’t go back to how things were?” Michael turns back to him, his faced wears a pained expression. “Dan, let it go! It’s better that way, believe me! All that pain that you went through, you need to let him go. Once you remember you’re gonna wish you never had to go through that pain again. But once you remember, everytime you see him, you’re gonna be reminded of all that pain. Forgive him, it will give you peace! Please Dan, at least do it for me.” Dan didn’t know what to say, all this pretty much confirmed his assumption. If only he knew what Max had done to him…

\------------------------------

As soon as Michael sits in his car he takes a deep breath. It’s so hard seeing Dan like this, searching for answers, for pain. Before had had his accident all he ever did was try to forget what happened and now… He wouldn’t say that Dan had moved on from what happened but he accepted it. And Michael had thought the some of Max. Until… He remembers his last encounter with Max.

_“Michael, Hi. How is he? He’s going to be fine right?” Michael looks up to see a very concerned looking Max standing in front of him. “Max? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be celebrating your win?” “I need to know if he’s alright. Just because we’re…. I do care about him Michael, even if it doesn’t look like that anymore.” Michael can see the fear in Max’s eyes. They’re full of pain and concern. “You were the last person I thought would turn up here. He’s in critical condition right now, one of his legs is broken, he’s got a pretty serious head injury from what the doctors told me. I don’t know Max, tomorrow we’ll know more.” Max is pacing circles into the floor. ”I just… He has to get better. I can’t.. I… God, why him?” Michael looks at Max and realizes something. ”I didn’t think you still cared so much about him. I thought you hated him.” “Hated him? I could never hate him, I.. “ “It’s more the opposite, isn’t it? You still love him don’t you?” Max looks at him with so much pain it almost breaks Michael. ”Are you really that surprised? How could I ever stop?” He looks down at his watch. “I really have to go. Promise me something Michael.” “What? I don-..” “This stays between us, he’s not supposed to know. Nothing. I never told you that. And I never showed up here. It would only hurt him.” Michael looks at Max for a while and thinks. “Okay, I won’t tell him. I promise.” _

He had truly thought that Max moved on. But the concern, the pain on his face that evening proved him wrong. Even after all that time apart Max still loved Dan. And Michael wanted nothing more than tell Dan, but he promised Max that he wouldn’t. And he also knew why he couldn’t tell him that.

\-------------------------------------------

The next morning Dan jerks awake at another one of his ’dreams’. But this time it was a new one, a different one than the other. And finally he knows why he broke up with Max. Even if he tries he just can’t shake this memory out of his head.

_“Who was it? WHO WAS IT? Tell me!” “It doesn’t matter who it was. He doesn’t mean anything to me… Please! It was a mistake!” “A mistake? … A MISTAKE? People don’t you make that mistake!” “I know.. I.. I’m so sorry!” “ So tell me! Tell me who you slept with? You cheated on me! You owe me that answer!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry... Hope you don't hate me to much for this... 
> 
> Let me know what you think :)  
Always love getting comments <3


	6. This might hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be a few longer chapters coming.  
I really hope your like this story :)  
And I love reading your comments <3
> 
> I know the story is still quite vague, but hopefully it's gonna make more sense soon. :)

_ “You cheated on me! You owe me that answer!” _Dan just couldn’t get rid of this memory, it kept replaying over and over again. Ever since he woke up after having that dreams. A few days had gone by and felt like he was finally starting to figure somethings out. There where bits and pieces that he was slowly starting to remember. But Max was right, those weren’t happy memories. Although Dan seemed pretty happy in interviews he kept rewatching, he knew that really behind closed doors, away from racing this was far from true. They must have been going through some hard times and then Max did what he did, and then everything went to hell. He was hurt that Max would ever do something like that to him, but in a way he couldn’t comprehend how harsh he reacted. He’d always been someone who would listen to what others had to say. Let them explain their side of the story even if they had been in the wrong. But being this angry, losing his temper just was so unlike him. And Dan kept asking himself if maybe, just maybe there was a possibility of forgiving Max. However bad it was what Max had done, Dan still loved him. And he was sure that Max did too. No matter what he told him, or what anyone else told him. Max’s love had been so deep, so unconditional, Dan never thought that he could ever stop. Even if he had made that mistake, wasn’t it at least worth trying again because the thought of never feeling Max’s love again almost felt unbearable. Ever since Dan woke up after the crash, everything seems just so wrong. He just couldn’t understand how everything went from what Dan felt like ‘happily ever after’ to absolute pieces. Like someone had shattered the perfect glasshouse that his life used to be. Sure what Max did must’ve hurt but Dan had always forgiven easily. Heart before head. Always. No matter how hard, how seemingly impossible something was, if Dan’s heart said fight for it, he would rather go down than give up on something he loved.

The season was about to end and Dan felt like confronting Max about his returning memories. Get some clearance. Dan still didn’t really remember much. Even those flared little pieces still seemed so far away, washed away, faded. And all he could do was hope that the little pieces would soon turn into something bigger. A bigger picture, something that would make sense. Not just assumptions made on a couple of words.

_“You’re a monster! How could you? How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me…”_

_“Who was it? WHO WAS IT? Tell me!” “It doesn’t matter who it was. He doesn’t mean anything to me… Please! It was a mistake!” “A mistake? … A MISTAKE? People don’t you make that mistake!” “I know.. I.. I’m so sorry!” “ So tell me! Tell me who you slept with? You cheated on me! You owe me that answer!”_

_“Get out!” “No. no! I won’t! We can survive this, I know we can!” “Get out of my house!” “Please! D-“ “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” _

_“Say you know we can fix this and I will stay!” “I… I. You know I can’t” “Then say it! Say it’s over!” “Please… Max-” “Say it! Say it!” “It’s over. We’re done.”_

Dan kept rewinding those short pieces of memory over and over again. He still had hours until his plane touched down in Dubai. And then another 5 hours till he reached Monaco. Loads of time to think. Normally he enjoyed long haul flights. Having so much time to think. But today his mind was crushing him. How could Max do this. What did Dan do to make him feel like cheating. Was is his move to Renault. Or just a side of Max that Dan never knew existed? No matter how he tured it around in his head he just couldn’t find a reason. Maybe an excuse as well. A good reason and Dan would be able forgive Max easily. He loved him after all. There were lots of relationships who went through stuff like this and didn’t give up on each other. Ones that could forgive their loved ones for doing something cruel like this. Love conquers all. Isn’t that what they say? His plane was starting to descent into the hot Dubai air. Dan had made up his mind. He could do this. Surely Max never meant to hurt him. Maybe it was all just a big misunderstanding. A drunken mistake. Whatever it was there surely had to be a way to fix this. Fix them.

He was hanging around in one of those fancy lounges trying to kill time until the connecting flight would board. Suddenly a new message showed up on his phone.

_From Esteban. _

Why would Ocon text him. He never really had much to do with the French driver. _‘Oh, wait’ _he thought. Ocon was his teammate at Renault. That’s right. He read about that online.

_Hey you ;). Heard you’re a bit better. We should talk sometime…_

Dan wasn’t really sure what to read about of this. Especially the winky emoji. _Hey you_. What a weird thing to text you’re teammate. He couldn’t really imagine the both of them having a deeper kind of work relationship. Dan decided to ignore the text for the moment. He was just gonna call him, once he was back in Monaco. He didn’t particularly like to be on a plane for another 5 hours or so but at least it was an excuse to not think about Esteban’s text.

_“I don’t love you. Maybe I never did. Maybe it was just a good way to get my head off all the racing, this relationship with you. A way to keep my rival close. You know what they say: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. In the end that was all you ever were. My rival. My teammate, my greatest competitor. And I won. You left the team and with this you left me.”_

Dan must have fallen asleep on the plane. He did feel a little bit drowsey. He hadn’t had this dream before. It seemed clearer than most of the others. He could see Max’s cold eyes burning into his soul while saying that. Distant, cold, calculating. Words he never associated Max with. But now so many of his new found memories were laced with it. The harshness, the way his face seemed to turn to stone. Heart made of ice. It hurt Dan to just think about that. To him Max had always been full of light. Full of life, full of emotion. From blinding rage to the deepest love Dan had experienced he had seem the whole spectrum of emotion. But this? So seemingly heartless, stripped of all emotions, stone cold. It broke Dan’s heart.

_“I don’t love you. Maybe I never did.” _

Was this really true? Was it all just fake? Everything they ever had. Build on lies? Dan was starting to feel angry. How could he do this to him? He never tought Max could be so heartless. Ever.

But this just didn’t feel right. He knew Max. Max couldn’t keep a secret from him, no matter how hard they tried. You just can’t fake that kind of love. There had to be something else…

\---------------------------------------------------

After settling into his apartment again Dan finally decided to call Esteban. He wouldn’t dodge it forever. He didn’t have to ring long. “Daniel? Wasn’t sure if you’re still alive.. haha” Dan didn’t really find it very funny to be honest. “Yeah hi. You wanted to talk to me?” There was a little laugh. ”I always want to talk to you. Haha. But yes, I heard you lost some of your memories.” _‘God, who told him that?’ _Dan didn’t really know how to respond to this. “Umm yeah I did.” “Sucks. How much don’t you remember?” Dan was stunned. _Sucks._ Yeah, he could say it like that. “Around 2.5 years. Didn’t even remember that I’m not with RedBull anymore” Esteban sucked in some air. “Ha, yeah. Their loss right? They only care about Verstappen anyway. This guy can get away with everything. So then this means you don’t even remember having me as your teammate. Too bad, I’m the best you ever had.” Was he actually serious? Dan couldn’t believe his words. And he did not miss the hostile tone when he mentioned Max. “ I’m already starting to remember. A few days and I’m back to normal.” He was lying through his teeth but somehow he didn’t want to let Esteban in on those details. “Oh good. I like the 2020 Daniel anyway better than the 2018 version. You let yourself get pushed around by Verstappen too much. I’m glad that you’re not with him anymore. You’re better off without him.” Dan didn’t understand. How did Esteban know that? From what he remembered their relationship was a well kept secret. Only his close friends knew. “Umm well I have to go, someone’s at my door.” With this Dan ended the call. Something was weird about this. The way Esteban almost wanted to convince him that Max wasn’t good for him. In Dan’s opinion he seemed to know too much anyway. But now more than ever he felt like confronting Max and clearing up all those things.

“Dan? “ A very sleepy looking Max opened the door for him. “What do you want now?” His tone wasn’t angry or harsh. But he seemed incredibly tired. Dan could see the dark circles underneath his eyes even from the distance. “You! You ruined it. You ruined everything!” Dan wanted to stay calm, not get emotional but upon seeing Max he just couldn’t hold back his anger. “ I can’t believe you would do that to me. Not in a million dreams did I think you could ever hurt me. But you did.” All his plans about trying to understand Max and maybe hear him out had completely left his mind. The way Max kept looking at him send a wave through his brain. A picture of Max in his motorhome, tired and still wearing his racesuit.

_“I don’t love you. Maybe I never did. Maybe it was just a good way to get my head off all the racing, this relationship with you. A way to keep my rival close. You know what they say: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. In the end that was all you ever were. My rival. My teammate, my greatest competitor. And I won. You left the team and with this you left me.”_

_“What is this? Why is this in your motorhome? I know it’s not yours.” Max looks at him expressionless. “It’s a hoodie. Maybe somebody forgot it here.” Dan knows that it might just be coincidence, but he’s got a bad feeling. Max is still staring him into the ground. Dan turns around and throws the hoodie back onto the chair as something falls out of its pocket. A row of condoms with a sticky note on it. Some wrappers have been opened. _“How about some fun tonight?”

Another flash of memory hits his brain. An picture of Nico wearing a dark blue hoodie with a white label on it. _That _dark blue hoodie.

“How could you do this to me? HOW?” Dan was in tears by now. “With Nico?” Max looked at him shocked. “You remember? “ Dan felt like his world was falling apart all over again. “How could I ever forget that? You sleeping with Nico. Do you know how much that hurts? Why? At least tell me why you did it?” Max looks at him. There’s a sort of sadness and pain in his eyes. So beautiful eyes that hold so much sorrow. “If you just came here to tell me that I made a mistake by sleeping with Nico than you better leave again. I know it was a mistake, no need to remind me.” He says coldly and turns around. “Let it go Dan, the fight’s long over. And you won. You won.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably not the most exciting chapter... More of a filler of whats to come next.
> 
> And I always appreciate comments and kudos. <3  
Let me know what you guys think :))


	7. True words aren't always pretty...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for doing this ...
> 
> the next two chapters are gonna be quite long so be prepared :)

Dan feels defeated. How could Max say that he won. How could he possibly be the one who won in this. The fact that Max didn’t even deny this with Nico, didn’t even try to explain to him why. It made him angry. He was lying on his couch watching the last F1 race of the season. His eyes were on the TV but his mind keep slipping out of it. Max. Max seemed to be on his mind 24/7. As much as he tries, he just couldn’t get him out of his head. The uncertainty of not knowing the full story made him so anxious. What else could have happened between them? What could have possibly triggered Max to cheat on him. Max, Max, Max. That’s all Dan had been thinking about the last few days. More than ever he felt like he needed to get answers. Clarity. Something to ease his mind. He needed to talk to Max. Again. Even though he didn’t know how to feel about him at the moment, he just felt like he needed to be close to him. He would rather fight with Max than sit in his apartment all alone. Letting his mind make up stories for him. He just couldn’t imagine a life without him in it. If he just knew the whole story. He must be able to forgive him right? He just had to. And sitting here and missing Max instead of missing being in the race car, missing racing, told Dan more than anything else that their relationship was everything Dan cared about. _He _was his everything. And in this moment it hit Dan. He already forgave Max. And he would always forgive Max for doing things like that. No matter how much they hurt. If Max would ask him for forgiveness he would forgive him in a second, no matter how bad things were. But that was the thing, Max wasn’t asking for forgiveness. Max didn’t seem to want his forgiveness. Maybe he didn’t want Dan back. Maybe he moved on. And that hurt Dan more than any cheating ever could. The thought of Max giving up on him. Giving up on them.

Max ended up winning the race. Of course he would. Max just drove the season of his life. And Dan couldn’t even remember it. He always he would be by his side when Max would win the title. Congratulating him with deep kisses behind closed doors. Being the one who gave Max strength and support. But Max could do all of that on his own. Of course he could. There was rarely anything Max couldn’t do. Dan knew that. And there were times where he was jealous of those abilities. Making everything look so easy, so effortless. Dan had to fight so hard to get to this point. And Max? Max seemed to be born for it. Not that Max didn’t work for it. And he went through a lot as well. But maybe in a different way. Dan always knew that being supportive of Max, always being there for him, no matter if he had a good or a bad race meant so much to Max. Max didn’t need that support. He’d learnt over time to cope with all this on his own. But Dan knew how Max loved to have someone there who supported him with everything. Besides his mum and Victoria. And Max winning the title without that support showed Dan even more how strong Max was. But maybe, Max did have support. He didn’t even know if Max was single or not. He felt jealousy flaring up inside him. He hadn’t even thought of the possibility of Max having someone else to love. Someone who would make him feel better after a good race. Someone to celebrate with after a win.

Even after Dan had turned all the lights of once he went to bed he couldn’t get that thought out of his head. Could Max really love someone else? Dan always thought that nothing could ever be stronger than them. No one could love Max more than he could. That nothing could ever break them apart. Oh how wrong he was.

Eventually Dan falls into an uneasy sleep.

_“Did you just want me to find out on twitter that my boyfriend signed with a different team. Without even telling me anything, anything at all about that? God.. I can’t believe it.” “This was my decision to make Max, you know that very well. This is my future.” “So this doesn’t have anything to do with me? I’m your teammate, your boyfriend and you think this has nothing to do with me? Do I mean that less to you?”_

_“Get out! GET OUT! NOW!” “Don’t do this! You don’t mean that…” “Leave! And don’t dare ever coming back! I hate you!“_

_“You know exactly what we have to talk about. How long are you gonna be mad at me for? Can’t you just forget about it?” “Forget about it? Do you really think I can just forget about it?”_

Dan woke up in the middle of the night, weird dreams once again jerking him awake. That last dream felt so close. He could almost grab it. He tried to remember, hard. And then suddenly it was in front of his eyes. That whole conversation. That so hurtful day.

_Max was sitting in his motorhome trying to find some peace of mind for a little while, as he heard a knock on his door. Too tired to even move a single muscle, he let his visitor know to come in. But the person entering his motorhome was the last he would’ve expected. Dan. Already out of his team gear, while Max was still sporting his race suit, or at least part of it. “What do you want?” Max asked tiredly, he wasn’t in the mood to fight, not today. “We need to talk. I need to talk to you.” Max closed his eyes and sighted. “I don’t know what we would need to talk about. But go on.” To say Dan was surprised at Max’s lack of defence was an understatement. “You know exactly what we have to talk about. How long are you gonna be mad at me for? Can’t you just forget about it?” “Forget about it? Do you really think I can just forget about it?” There’s anger in Max’s eyes but Dan is almost certain to see a hint of pain as well. “Max, I’m so sorry. I wish I could go back and do it differently. But I can’t make I undone. What do I have to do for you to forgive me?” “You know the answer Dan! Why can’t you just accept it?” Max’s tone is a lot harsher now and there’s a coldness in his eyes that wasn’t there before. “I love you so much Maxy and I know you do too. So why can’t we just move on?” Max looks at him with so much hatred Dan feels like he’s been burned. “I don’t love you. Maybe I never did. Maybe it was just a good way to get my head off all the racing, this relationship with you. A way to keep my rival close. You know what they say: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. In the end that was all you ever were. My rival. My teammate, my greatest competitor. And I won. You left the team and with this you left me.” Dan doesn’t know how to respond to this. It feels like Max punched him in the face. “You don’t mean that… Of course you love me, you always have and always will!” But the way Max looks at him let’s Dan’s worst fear come alive. He won’t get anywhere with this. At least not today, Max has put his walls up and Dan knows that he’s not letting his guard down. Not today. So Dan turns around and on his way out he sees a familiar looking hoodie thrown over a chair. He knows it’s not Max’s and not his trainer’s either. He has seen one of the drivers walk around in it. If he could only remember who. He picks it up and turns around angrily. “What is this? Why is this in your motorhome? I know it’s not yours.” Max looks at him expressionless. “It’s a hoodie. Maybe somebody forgot it here.” Dan knows that it might just be coincidence, but he’s got a bad feeling. Max is still staring him into the ground. Dan turns around and throws the hoodie back onto the chair as something falls out of its pocket. A row of condoms with a sticky note on it. Some wrappers have been opened. _

_“How about some fun tonight? Need someone to celebrate my Pole Position ;)” _

_Dan feels like he’s turning sick, he knows this handwriting all too well. There’s really not much room for interpretation. He turns to Max, who seems even more shocked than Dan himself. “Yeah right, ‘somebody’ forgot this here.” And with these words he escapes Max’s motorhome. He feels so sick he has to stop on his way back to his, to throw up. How could Max do this to him?_

The day he found Nico’s hoodie in Max’s motorhome. Was Max really that stupid? Thinking he wouldn’t notice? Dan still couldn’t believe it. With Nico? He didn’t remember Max and Nico being that close. He just remembered them speaking together in Dutch every now and then at a drivers parade or something. But he never thought that Max would ever sleep with Nico. Dan feels angry again. And maybe a bit jealous. He just had to find out. The sooner the better. So he decided to text Max.

_I really need to talk to you. It’s important. Can we meet up?_

He felt closer to remembering than ever before. And maybe Max could help speed up that process. It didn’t that long for Max to reply.

_flying back tomorrow. I have time in the evening if you really want to talk_

Well, this didn’t sound very welcoming but good enough any way. He quickly replied that he would come by Max’s apartment at around seven. Now he just had to make a plan on how to confront Max about all the things he had found out in the last couple of days. Without losing it like last time preferably. Important was to let Max know that he had forgiven him and that he wanted to be together with him again. If Max was even single. What would he do if he wasn’t? What if.

Normally when he had so much he would go for a run or something. But with his leg still injuried he was tied to his apartment. He was allowed to walk around a bit. But nothing to major. Dan felt like he was turning crazy. He was just so restless, he didn’t know how to kill time. He could barely sleep. And if he did those memories would wake him up in the middle of the night.

_“I don’t love you. Maybe I never did.”_

All his memories made Dan just so angry and confused. And by the time it got close to being seven Dan was so riled up that he felt like punching Max’s lights out. He was so angry that Max would do something like that to him. And not even seem to apologize for what he did. Even more was he angry that Max left him. Seemingly not feeling guilty about anything that happened.

So at 5 to 7 Dan was banging on Max’s door. Ready to get all the answers he was looking for no matter what it takes. He would not lose this fight.

“No need to punch my door in, Daniel. So you wanted to talk? Again?” Max looked at him with a careful expression on his face. Dan couldn’t detect any feelings. Nothing. “How could you just leave me? How can you not even feel guilty for what happened?” Max looked at him confused. “Why would I feel guilty? I didn’t do anything?” “Yes you did! And you know it. Sleeping with Nico and you don’t even feel guilty. You didn’t even try to explain.” Dan was angry but he was still trying his best not to scream. “I don’t owe you an explanation for sleeping with Nico. I don’t have to feel guilty for sleeping with someone that’s not you!” Max was starting to lose his cool a bit. But Dan knew that he needed Max to get angry. Only then he would be absolutely honest with him. Ruthless. But Dan needed that. “Ha, so you think you don’t have to feel guilty for cheating on me? Are you serious right now? You owe me an explanation! And you owe me an apology! You hurt me!You ruined our relationship by sleeping with Nico! HOW DARE YOU! Why? WHY MAX? At least tell me why you did it.” Max’s face quickly turned from anger to sadness. “You don’t even remember what happened a-“ “I do remember!” “No Dan, you don’t. If you did you wouldn’t be here screaming at me that I cheated on you with Nico…” Max seemed so calm but Dan could see the sadness in his eyes. “But you did. You even admitted it yourself.” “No, I said I slept with Nico, not that I cheated on you.” Dan felt so much anger inside him, it was like as if he was gonna burst. “YOU! You cheated on me. By sleeping with him you cheated on me! Why can’t you just admit it. Maybe I could forgive you if you could just tell me why you did it. Why Max, why? What did I do to deserve that?” Dan can see tears forming in Max’s eyes, before Max quickly turns around and stares out of the window. “It’s always me isn’t it. I have always been the bad guy. Not in the million years would you ever think that you would be the one who makes a mistake.” “What are you talking about Max?” Max turns around, he’s really crying now, his cheeks already stained. “I did sleep with Nico. And I’m not proud of it. But Dan, I wasn’t the one who cheated! You cheated on me, Dan! You!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh so there it is... the plottwist that most of you hopefully didn't see coming. some maybe did.  
And I'm very sorry for doing this... it just had to be :/ please don't hate me for it  
Still hope you liked it, would love some feedback :)


	8. Remind me to forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's quite a long chapter and there's lots in it but i still hope you like it.  
Let me know what you think :)

Dan feels like Max has slaped him in the face. “But I would never do that! I love you!” There are still tears running down Max’s face. “Do you know how much I wish that that was true? That you love me? But obviously it wasn’t true.” Dan feels like everything has been ripped apart. His whole world has fallen apart. Max walks towards the door, opening it. Dan can’t blame him for wanting him to go. He really can’t. “You should go now.” Dan knows he’s right but still tries to fight it. He can’t give up now. “No, I can’t just leave. We have to work this out. I can make this right!” He can see anger rising inside Max. “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” He can see the mental image of Max pushing him out of the door and slamming the door in his face. And then suddenly everything comes crashing down onto him like a wave. All his memories.

_“Get out!” “No. no! I won’t! We can survive this, I know we can!” “Get out of my house!” “Please! D-“ “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” “We don’t quit! At least let me explain!” “Say you know we can fix this and I will stay!” “I… I. You know I can’t” “Then say it! Say it’s over!” “Please… Max-” “Say it! Say it!” “It’s over. We’re done.” You know what? Fine, watch me care! You’re gonna be the one with the midfield car hoping to even finish in the points not me…” “Max, you don’t mean tha..-“_

A thousand voices screaming inside his head all mixed up. Not making any sense at all. But it’s all there somewhere.

_“You did WHAT? Renault? Are you fucking serious?” “Come on Max, you know exactly that the team treats me like a Nr.2 driver. This could be good for us, a new start. You know how toxic our relationship got when something bad happened on track.” “So you just decided to leave me. Without even telling me about it?”_

_“ We don’t work anymore. This doesn’t work anymore. We’re not happy” “ What are you saying?” “I think we should stop.” “Stop? Stop what?” ”Us. This relationship. It’s not gonna work!” “It is, we just need to work a bit harder” “No, we have tried. And it hasn’t been better.” “Don’t say that. You can’t just give up on us. It’s not over” “Yes, it is. And you know it!”_

Dan is lying on the ground now shaking. Unaware of Max, who’s trying to pull him up. “Dan! Dan, please! What is going on?! DAN!” Dan’s vision is clearer now. It’s like as if he’s in a dream. But it’s all much clearer. He is standing at the window in his house in LA. Talking to Max on the Phone.

_“You did WHAT? Renault? Are you fucking serious?” “Come on Max, you know exactly that the team treats me like a Nr.2 driver. This could be good for us, a new start. You know how toxic our relationship got when something bad happened on track.” “So you just decided to leave me. Without even telling me about it?” Max knows he’s being unfair but he’s just so angry. “I am telling you. Now…” Max laughs humourless. “Yeah right. And what if I did not see you calling. What if I wouldn’t have picked up the phone. The contract is being released to the press today. Did you just want me to find out on twitter that my boyfriend signed with a different team. Without even telling me anything, anything at all about that? God.. I can’t believe it.” “This was my decision to make Max, you know that very well. This is my future.” Max wants to throw his phone in the pool, which he’s sitting by at the moment. “So this doesn’t have anything to do with me? I’m your teammate, your boyfriend and you think this has nothing to do with me? Do I mean that less to you?” At the other end of the phone Dan sights and looks out of the window into the Californian sun. “That’s not what I meant Max. But you have to understand..-“ “You know what? Fine, watch me care! You’re gonna be the one with the midfield car hoping to even finish in the points not me…” “Max, you don’t mean tha..-“ But the call is already disconnected before Dan can finish the sentence._

His dream is changing. He can see Max in front of him now.

_Dan felt so tired. Physically tired but more so mentally. He knew that what was about to come would hurt. A lot. And it was his fault. He never thought that he would be one of them. One of those people who cheat on their partners. And the moment he realised what he’d done he wished he’d never laid an eye on him. He hated himself. And Max would hate him too if he ever found out. He would kill him. Or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he would take it with a light shrug of his broad shoulders like he seemed to do so often recently. Face turned to stone, no emotion showing most of the time, as if someone had frozen his heart. They had been fighting often the last few weeks. Well by now it was more than a few weeks. Months almost. Dan didn’t know how the could continue like this. But Dan loved Max more than anything else and he knew that Max felt the same way about him. _

_Or at least that’s how he felt till he told Max about him leaving the team. Max turned different, he used to be full of emotions. The whole range, from raging fury to that deep love that Dan had never experienced before, and probably wouldn’t never with anyone else ever again. Not that he wanted someone else. Max was his everything and he couldn’t imagine life without him._

_But the closer Dan got to moving to Renault the colder, more distant Max seemed to get. Sometimes he felt like Max didn’t even love him anymore. And that’s something Dan never thought that could happen. Ever. _

_And he didn’t know what to do to fix it. Not really. He had an idea on how to shield Max of the pain of Dan cheating, but his would hurt Max as well. And it would hurt Dan even more. But he didn’t know an other way out of this mess he brought the both of them into. He could barely look at pictures of Max on Instagram without feeling this endless guilt weighting him down. How was he to face him in real life? How could he look Max in the eye, knowing that he caused all the pain that would appear once Max found out. He fucked up. Big time. This was on him. Whatever caused their relationship to crumble had been both of them, to stubborn to give in. Meet each other halfway. Finding a way together to fix it. But this was on him. On him alone._

_And Max could never find out. The pain would destroy him. Isn’t that what they say. The person that loves you the most can also hurt you the most?_

_A knock on the door ripped Dan from his thoughts. “Max” Dan knew that he shouldn’t be surprised. But they had rarely seen each other over the past few weeks. And he didn’t expect Max to turn up at his apartment, if anything he would be the one to reach out. Max looked at him suspiciously. “What? Am I not allowed to come to your apartment anymore?” He could hear how hurt Max sounded. ”You know I’m sorry for what I said after Qualifying. It was stupid. I was stupid.” Max continued on. Dan knew how bad Max was at apologizing and that he hardly ever saw himself in the wrong. But Dan just couldn’t give in to him. Knowing that really it was Max who should be forgiving him. “God, what are we even doing? All we do is fight. We barely see each other and when we do we try to rip each others heads off”. Max looks at him with a pained expression. “I really didn’t mean to say that. You did deserve Pole today. Your lap was amazing. I was being selfish. I am sorry Dan. I really am.” Dan could barely look Max in the eye. Max asking for forgiveness was just to much. Max hadn’t been this open with him in ages. He could feel the depth of Max’s love like he hadn’t seen in months. If he just hadn’t been so stupid. If it wasn’t for his mistake they would have been able to make up. Just like that, the sorrows of the last weeks would have been forgotten. _

_“Max, come on. It’s always gonna be like this. Someone does something and then the other forgives him and then we do it all over again. This can’t go on like this.” Max looks at him in shock. “What do you mean Dan? I know I haven’t been great lately but we can work on it. Together we will fix it. Like we always have.” “And don’t you see that we didn’t get any further? We don’t work anymore. This doesn’t work anymore. We’re not happy.” It broke Dan’s heart to say that, but it was the truth. Dan had never felt this down and hopeless ever. And Max had been so cold and had shut everyone around him out. He knew how different their conversation could have went if Dan wouldn’t have done what he did. But he couldn’t be near Max at the moment. Not without feeling bone crushing guilt. “What are you saying?” “ I think we should stop.” “Stop? Stop what?” ”Us. This relationship. It’s not gonna work!” “It is, we just need to work a bit harder” “No, we have tried. And it hasn’t been better.” That wasn’t entirely true. Both of them to stubborn to admit that they had to change something, work on their relationship again. “Don’t say that. You can’t just give up on us. It’s not over” “Yes, it is. And you know it!” Max had tears in his eyes. Dan had to turn away from him. It broke his heart to see Max like this but he also knew that he was the one who caused it. “You want this to be over!” There was an unimaginable amount of pain in Max’s voice. “No, I don’t. But I know us. This is gonna break us.” Dan knew this was a lie. There was nothing to break anymore. “God, I can’t do this. I… I need space to think. On my own.” Max turned around and was walking towards the door. Dan knows this is unfair and the moment it leaves his mouth he wishes he could take it back again. “If you leave now, we’re over. Truly over.” Max stops dead in his track. “I don’t want to leave but you don’t want me to stay. You are the one walking away. Signing with Renault. Keeping me in the dark with it. Not spending holidays with me. You are leaving me, aren’t you?” Max was crying, Dan could hear the soft sobs escaping his lips. Oh how he wished Max wasn’t right. But he just couldn’t hide from him. “You’re the one walking out the door..” What a weak comeback, unfair really. “because you’re making me! You don’t want us to be together anymore!” “I do. But you know that this isn’t working right now. See it as a break to figure out what we want.” Max looked at him with cold eyes. “I know what I want. But apparently you don’t. Tell me to stay Dan! Tell me you want us to be together. Say you know we can fix this and I will stay!” “I… I. You know I can’t” Dan could see Max’s jaw clench. “Then say it! Say it’s over!” “Please… Max-” “Say it! Say it!” “It’s over. We’re done.” Max turns towards the door again and without looking back leaves out of the door._

His memories change again. There’s another scene in front of him. He knows that there’s hasn’t a lot of time passed in between them.

_“Michael!” Max’s voice is trembling and there’s so much anger in his eyes. “Tell me where this comes from! Tell me this isn’t what it looks like! I know it isn’t yours!” “ I don’t know Max, why should I know?” “Don’t lie to me Michael, he tells you everything! Tell me he didn’t sleep with someone else! Tell me this is just a stupid coincidence!” Michael looks at him in defeat. ”Max… I’m sorry, but I can’t…” Max is absolutely furious. God he can’t believe. He’s just about to open the door of Dan’s apartment as Dan comes in. The promised groceries in hand, and looking more than surprised when Max brushes past him out the door. One look at Michaels face tells him everything he needs to know. “Max! Max wait! Please, I can explain!” He follows him into Max’s apartment and tries to talk to him but to no use, Max is beyond furious. “You’re a monster!” “Max…” “A monster. How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me…” “I do love you! I love you so much. D-“ “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have done this.” Max looks at him, there’s so much anger and so much pain, Dan knows it’s his fault but still seeing him like this hurts more than anything else. “Who was it? WHO WAS IT? Tell me!” “It doesn’t matter who it was. He doesn’t mean anything to me… Please! It was a mistake!” “A mistake? … A MISTAKE? People don’t you make that mistake!” “I know.. I.. I’m so sorry!” “ So tell me! Tell me who you slept with? You cheated on me! You owe me that answer!” “Max, please!” “Tell me Daniel!” His tone was so threatening Dan knew he would have to give in, knowing full well that it would hurt Max even more. “It- ..um… Esteban.” Max looks at him speechless, for a moment all the anger leaves his face, he’s too shocked, too speechless to be angry. “I don’t bel… how?... Of all the people? HIM?! God that’s low… really low.” “Max, please let me explain-..” “No, I don’t want your explanation. And you don’t deserve one…” Dan feels like his whole world just feel apart, he knows he’s made a mistake and he didn’t think that Max would forgive him easily, but he didn’t think he would be this angry. “What do you want from me then? Max please? I’ll do everything!” “Leave!” ”No, don't do this! Please Max!” “Get out!” “No, no, no. I won’t! We can survive this, I know we can!” “Get out of my house!” “Please! D-“ “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Dan knew he’d lost but still he just couldn’t give in, he had to fight for him even though he knew he lost him. “No, we don’t quit! I promised I won’t leave you. I won’t leave.” “You already left. A long time ago. Physically you’re here but mentally you left months ago!” “Max just list..” “No, you listen. You broke up with me-“ “We needed a break! I didn’t mean break up ‘break up’, just a break to figure us out.” “Ha, sure. Fucking Ocon first, then wanting a ‘break’ and then coming crawling back once I’m good enough again? No, that’s not how this works Dan! You can’t use me like this!” “Max..” “Get out! GET OUT! NOW!” Max has already started pushing him towards the door. “Don’t do this! You don’t mean that…” He’s opened the door and looks at him in disgust. “Leave! And don’t dare ever coming back! I hate you!“ “Max.. do-“ One last push and then the door is slammed in his face. He glides down the door and breaks down. It’s over now. They can’t go back. Not after what he’s done._

Dan regains consciousness. Max is looking at him worriedly. “Dan? Are you alright?” But Dan doesn’t really respond. He pushes himself of the floor. He has to leave. Everything feels like it’s on fire, he can barely breath. “I’m sorry… I have to go.” “Dan!” But Dan can barely hear him. There’s this loud buzzing noise in his ears. And he feels like his losing consciousness again. Everything is spinning. He has to hold himself up on the walls to not fall over.

_“I know you’re hurting Dan but you-“ “Hurting? He cheated on me Michael!” Michael sights, this is going to be a lot harder than imagined. “No, he didn’t Dan. You know that. I know it hurts, I really do. But it’s none of your business anymore with whom he’s spending his nights. You’re not together anymore. You’ve split up a while ago. You can’t be mad at him for moving on.” Dan looks at him, defeated. “I know, I just didn’t think he would ever move on. I mean we’re made for each other. We can’t just move on…” Michael pulls Dan close and gives him a hug. He can feel Dan shaking with sobs. He’s crying. Michael knows this is gonna hurt Dan even more but he has to say it. “You need to let him go!” “What if I can’t?” “You really don’t have a choice in this…” The way Michael looks at him hurts Dan. So much pain and sadness. “Let him go Dan. He’s not coming back. He’s moved on and you should do the same.” _

Dan has reached his apartment now. He tries to get himself as fast as possible into the bathroom and throws up into the toilet bowl. He feels horribly sick, his head is still spinning and there’s this buzzing in his ears. He slowly slides down against his bathtub and tries to steady his breathing. How could he have been so wrong. How could he have forgotten that? But in a way he wished he’d never remembered it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everything is starting to make sense now.  
Probably gonna take a while for the next chapters to be published since I'm very busy and still don't really know how it's gonna turn out.  
So please be patient :)  
thanks for reading, really love getting so much positiv feedback :))


	9. A fresh start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please ignore any mistakes.  
I'm to lazy to reread it again. 
> 
> So enjoy :)

Dan has been sitting against his bathtub for what felt like ages. Going over his regained memories. Over and over again. He just couldn’t believe how he could ever do something like that to Max. It just didn’t make any sense. He remembered that night painfully well. But he just couldn’t come up with a reason. Dan felt like he remembered everything besides what on earth could possibly make him cheat on Max. Signing with Renault, having probably the worst season of his life didn’t excuse a behaviour like this. Dan always thought that nothing could ever tear Max and him apart. That they were made for each other. He loved Max more than anything. More than he ever thought he was able to. And in the end it was him who ruined it. No wonder that Max had been so distant, so cold.

Dan had locked himself in his apartment the last few days. Not ready to face anyone. Max had tried to call him a few times but stopped once he realised that Dan wouldn’t pick up. Dan didn’t really know what to do now. He knew that he couldn’t blame Max that he never forgave him what he’d done. He didn’t even know how to look Max in the eye the next time he’d face him.

In these few days Dan had been thinking a lot. About just about everything. And the more he thought about it, the more he remembered those last couple of months the clearer it became for him. He hadn’t been happy for ages now. He couldn’t cope with seeing Max distancing himself more and more. Passing him in the paddock and not even getting acknowledged by him. Seeing Max this emotionless, closed off he just couldn’t handle it. Racing just wasn’t any fun anymore. He left like as if he’d been turned to stone. A ghost wandering around, wishing his life would come back to him. All he had been doing the last two years was exist. He stopped living. And Dan realised he couldn’t keep going like that.

The next few days Dan made a lot of phone calls to all sort of people. And he was packing up to go back to Australia. Back to summer and hopefully to find a bit of happiness and maybe peace as well. He was folding some of his clothes when Michael called. ”Dan? Are you sure you wanna do this?” Dan knew that this conversation was gonna come and he was prepared. He had been thinking about it enough to be sure. “Yes. I need this, Michael. You said it yourself. Those last two years were hard on me. Grace said it as well. I haven’t been myself, I’ve shut everyone out, I’ve been sad and miserable. I’ve lost Michael. I’ve lost everything. I need this. For myself, for my family, for you.” He can hear Michael sight over the phone. “I know. I just want you to be sure. This is a big step.” “I know. But this is what I need. A fresh start.”

He was leaving for Perth tonight and had just slid an envelope underneath Max’s door. He was about to enter the elevator as Max emerged from the one next to it. “Dan?” Max looked at him stunned. ”What are you doing… are you ok? You don’t look good.” Dan couldn’t handle the concern in Max’s voice. He couldn’t even look him in the eye. “I’m fine” was all he could manage to say. “You really don’t look fine…” But Dan had already pressed the button to close the doors. “Dan?” Dan turned around and looked him in the eye. “I’m sorry. I truly am.” And with that the doors closed.

Max stood there in shock. Not knowing how to feel. Something was different about Dan. A sort of brokenness he hadn’t seen before. It made Max’s heart ache. He hated seeing Dan like this. He’d gotten used to seeing Dan sad and depressed, but he still hated it. Dan seemed to hate everything. The whole world, himself, everything. He hadn’t seen him smile in ages. Besides those smiles in the hospital when Dan didn’t remember those past years. God, how bad Max wished he never rememberd. He knew it was wrong to think that, but it was easier seeing Dan like that. So full of love, so hopefull, so _alive._ It almost made Max forget everything bad that had happened to them.

In thought he makes his way back to his apartment. And upon opening the door finds an envelope on the ground. _For Max_ is written on it in Dan’s messy handwriting. He takes the letter with him to the kitchen. But he doesn’t open it. To tired to read Dan’s letter he lets himself fall into his bed. Making a mental note to read the letter tomorrow, he falls asleep.

At the same time Dan is high above the clouds on his way to Perth, knowing that once he unboards the plane he will have to face his phone blowing up. But for now he’s got enough peace to think about the last conversation he and Max had before he had his accident.

_“Can we talk?” Dan had caught up to Max after the press conference, trying to pull him to a side. Max looked at him tiredly. “There’s nothing to talk about.” “I need you to hear me out, please.” Max’s face showed to emotion. It hadn’t for a while now. The only thing he could see was the dark bags under his eyes and that his eyes didn’t sparkle anymore. As if someone turned the light inside them off. Dark, lifeless, cold. Not like the ocean in the maledives anymore, more like the arctic ice. Dan knew that he was the one who caused it. He dimmed Max’s light. And he wasn’t sure if he could ever forgive himself for that. “Well, I’m listening…” “Please Max how long are you gonna ignore me? Haven’t you punished me enough?” Max huffed out a humourless laugh. “Punished you? If anything you punished me, for doing something wrong I still don’t know about. Wasn’t that why you did it? Because I hurt you in some way?” “No, that’s not what I meant. I never meant to punish you for something.” “Then why did you do it? Why Dan? Why?” Max sounded so unbelievably tired. Tired of everything. “I don’t know Max. I just don’t know.” “Then why did you come here to talk to me?” “Max… I just… I love you so much… you have to believe that.” Dan’s voice is breaking. “I know I hurt you but I can’t live without you Max. Why can’t we just move past this? I’ve apologized a hundred times, I’m beyond sorry. What more to you want me to do Max?” Max shook his head. “There’s only one thing you can do Dan. And that is letting me go. Let me go Dan! You’ve tortured me enough. But still you keep coming back. Reminding me of what happened, trying to make it undone. I can’t stand it anymore Dan. I can’t stand YOU anymore. I can’t look at you without feeling sick. I just.. Let me go. Give me a fresh start Dan! Don’t you think I deserve to start over?” There’s a tear rolling down Max’s cheek. “But you love me, you can’t just start over…” He can see anger rising inside Max’s eyes. “Don’t you get it Dan? I hate you! I hate you for what you did to me. I hate you for doing this to me. You broke me Dan! And you know what? I hate myself even more for it. For thinking that we could work, for letting you close enough to me to hurt me, for letting you break me apart. Please Dan, you have to let me go. Do it for me, give me that fresh start. Please Dan.” And with that Max escapes Dan’s strong grip._

Dan was already high above the Indian Ocean when Max woke up in the morning. His phone had what felt like a hundred new messages. From friends, from other drivers, from his team. Apparently they were all awake long before Max.

_Did you know about this? Did Dan tell you this?_

Was the message he got from Christian. A lot of the others were similar. And once he scrolled to the bottom of the new messages he finally found out what they were talking about.

_Breaking: Daniel Ricciardo not to return to F1 in 2021_

Max felt like he couldn’t breathe. Like all the oxygen had escaped his lungs. It was from the an official source so it had to be true. As fast as he could Max ran into the kitchen and tore the envelope that Dan left for him yesterday open. 

_Dear Max_

_That day in your apartment I started to remember. Everything. Now I know. _

_And I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you._

_Believe me if I could go back I would do everything different. I would do everything not to lose you again. But I can’t make it undone, no matter how much I want to._

_And I’m not asking for your forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve it. _

_So consider this as your fresh start. And maybe one day we’ll meet again and you won’t look at me with hatred in your eyes._

_Merry Christmas _

_Dan_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hopefully not to much heartbreak in this chapter. 
> 
> Let me know if you liked it :)  
Really love hearing from you. 
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


	10. Let it hurt, then let it go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that it took so long. I really didn't want to leave you all hanging like this :/  
But well writers block and very busy with school, took me ages to get this chapter together.  
And the next chapters will probably take a bit of time as well.
> 
> Not too much happening in this chapter more of a filler chapter, still hope you enjoy :)  
Thank you all for reading, it means the world to me <3

Dan got off the plane in Perth and had to finally face his phone. It seemed to blow up, ever since he turned the airplane mode off. He had what felt like a hundred messages. Most of them were in disbelief about what Dan had done. But the only person he really cared about was absent from the long list of people texting him. Not that he was surprised. He didn’t actually expected Max to text him, after all that’s what he had wanted. Still there was a part in Dan that was hurt.

He answered to most of the messages while waiting for Michael to pick him up. At some he just rolled his eyes at. He never liked Esteban. And with his memories back it made even less sense to him why he would ever cheat. With Esteban of all people. He found him more a turn off than anything else. A lot of messages where from other drivers, some from his team and countless others.

Michael finally arrived and helped to load his baggage into the car. Dan could sense Michaels eyes on him.

“What? Just spit it out Mate.” Dan knew there was something on Michaels mind.

“Umm…So what are you gonna do now? I mean…” Dan could see how unsure Michael seemed.

“No, I know you. What’s really going on?” Michael sighted deeply and kept his eyes firm on the road.

“Does he know? I mean did you tell him that you remember? Max. Does he know?”

“Yes, I.. umm. He knows.” Dam was looking out of the window.

“So what did he say?” Michael finally looked at Dan. For a moment Dan feels like lying to him, but then still decides not to. “Nothing, I wrote him a letter. And he hasn’t texted me since.”

Michael focusses on the road again. Dan can see something working inside him. There’s this telling frown on his forehead and he can see Michael’s jaw clench. He takes a deep breath before answering.

“So you didn’t actually talk to him in person. What did the letter say?” Dan didn’t miss Michael’s disappointment in his voice. He quickly recited the letter. For a bit Michael didn’t answer.

“So basically you told him that you’re retiring so that he can have a ‘fresh start? That he’s the reason you’re retiring?” Michael gave Dan a quick glance before turning his focus back to the road again.

“Instead of talking things out between you two, you just decided to write him a letter and leave for the other side of the planet.”

“He doesn’t wanna talk to me. And I can’t really blame him, can I ?” Dan looked out of the window again with a heavy heart. Just thinking about Max made his heart sink. What Max’s reaction would have been to reading the letter? If he was happy to know that Dan was finally out of his sight? Relieved? Or something else? Dan just didn’t know. He wasn’t able to read into Max anymore. He didn’t know how Max’s brain worked. Not anymore.

Back when everything was still good, he always felt like he knew Max better than anyone. He knew how Max felt, how Max thought, just everything. And now? It was like Max as a complete stranger to him. In the last few years Max had lost almost sign of emotion. Dan knew that he was still the same emotional Max that he had loved ever so much, but his emotions were hidden now. Safely guarded behind a unreadable face, and by now icy-blue eyes, that had lost the sparkle they once wore.

“This is bullshit Dan! Why would he had talked to you in the last couple of weeks if he didn’t wanted to? You’re running away Dan! You just don’t want to admit it to yourself.”

“I’m not running away! He wanted a fresh start, so I gave him the fresh start.”

Michael had kept his eyes firm on the road but shook his head slightly.

“I’m not sure if that’s the fresh start he wanted Dan. You should have talked to him. Even if he still wanted a fresh start at least you would have had a clean cut. But like this? You don’t even know his feeling on this. Maybe he can forgive you.” Deep down Dan knew that he was right.

“He’s never going to forgive me. I can’t even forgive myself.”

Michael pulled up to Dan’s house and parked the car in front of the garage. He got out to unload the luggage and put it in the hallway. Dan slowly followed him into the hallway. He should be happy to be at home but he felt empty. Michael sighted and walked towards the door but turned around before opening it.

“Time can heal a lot of wounds, you know? You would be surprised to see how much love means to certain people. How much pain they can overcome for love. You have to forgive yourself Dan. Leave the past behind, let it go. You need to give yourself a fresh start too…”

Michael looked at him pleadingly. “Let yourself heal Dan.” And with that he left out of the door.

Dan was still standing in the same spot when he could he Michael’s car disappearing into the distance.

He was still thinking about what Michael had said a long time after he’d left. _Give yourself a fresh start… _Michael was right. He should have talked to Max in person. But he just couldn’t bear it. He wouldn’t survive if Max told him face to face, that he never wanted to see him again. Because Dan was sure that Max would say that to him. Never talk to him again.

And Dan knew that he had to give himself that fresh start. That he had to forgive himself. Leave it be and let it go. He just didn’t know how.

\----------------------------------------------

Max had been pacing his apartment for hours. The letter crumpled up in his fist. He had pulled his phone up a couples of times, typing a message to Dan before deleting it again.

Max had been furious. He never wanted Dan to retire. He didn’t want Dan to disappear to the other side of the world not knowing if he ever saw him again. He didn’t wanted to admit to himself that Dan was still the most frequent thought in his brain. Ever since the accident he just couldn’t get Dan out of his brain. He’d woken up covered in sweat before, still seeing Dan’s dead body in front of him from the nightmare. Again and again.

Just when Max had thought that he was finally over Dan. When Dan had stopped to be the centre of his world. Just when he had accepted that they would never have a future together that happened.

Dan’s accident changed everything. Suddenly, everything came crashing back. The bad memories but also the good ones. And even though the good ones were seemingly so far away Max wished nothing more than to be able to go back. Do all the things he didn’t do. Make sure he never hurt Dan. Not in a way that would ever lead Dan to cheat on him.

Max had always known that he would always love Dan. Unconditionally. He had just tried to forget about it. Try to push away all the pain that rose in him every time the thought about Dan.

But in a way there was no escaping. Deep down Dan was always there. 

Nothing had hurt him more than seeing Dan happy and so full of love and knowing that once he remembered everything would be gone. The pain on Dan’s face once he realised that they weren’t together anymore almost tore Max apart.

By now tears were streaming down Max’s face. In a way this felt like losing Dan all over again. The letter felt more like a final goodbye than anything else. The finality of the words. The expressions on Dan’s face when he saw him in front of the elevators. The sadness, the pain. As if Dan had given up. And in a way he had. Given up his career, given up Max, given up a life. Everything.

_Maybe one day we’ll meet again…_ Max went over these words over and over again. And he hated them. There were so many things Max wished he could change. Go back and make sure he never says them. Max knows he hurt Dan as well. And there’s still a part in him that believes that it’s his fault that Dan cheated.

_“What happened?” Victoria just found Max dissolved into tears, wrapped up in a big blanked, sobbing on his couch in his apartment._

_“I.. It’s o.. over..” Max responds between sobs. Victoria has never seen Max like this._

_“What do you mean Max? What is over? What happened?” Victoria has a bad feeling in her stomach. Something bad must’ve happened. And Max’s next words let Victoria’s worst feelings come true._

_“Daniel… He.. he- we broke up. It’s over…” Max buries his face in his hands. His sobs still not fading._

_Victoria doesn’t know have to react. She’s in shock. Finding Max like this, she knew it must’ve been serious. But she still had been hoping that it wasn’t this bad._

_“I…I don’t understand Max. I thought you two were fine… What happened?” _

_“It’s all my fault, Vic. I.. I- It’s my fault!” For the first time Max actually looks at his sister. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy from all the crying. His eyes lifeless and broken. Victoria heart aches just looking at him._

_“Why… What happened Max? I don’t understand…”_

_“He cheated on me…- So I broke up with him.”_

_“So how is this your fault then Max?”_

_“I have been a horrible boyfriend lately. I had barely time for him. I..I- You know ever since he told me he was leaving I have been so angry. I knew he was having a hard time but still, maybe I felt he deserved it, you know. I mean why would he cheat if I loved him enough. But I didn’t so it’s my fault isn’t it. It’s all my fault. It’s over because of me.” Max starts to sob again. She hates seeing him like this._

_“It’s not your fault Max! Even if things weren’t going so well, you can’t blame yourself.”_

_“But if I had just been there for Dan more. I made him feel worse enough for him to cheat on me. If I-“_

_“No Max. It’s not your fault. Just because you two were having a hard time doesn’t justify what he’s done.” _

It had taken Max a long time to accept this. Accepting and forgiving himself for what happened. And it had taken him a long time to move on. And then? Daniel’s accident happened and suddenly everything was there again. The memories, the pain but most surprisingly the love.

After all this time he still loved Dan more than anyone else. And over the last few weeks he had to admit to himself that there could never be anyone else. Not after _him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit more from Max's side. I will probably have a bit more from Max's side as well from now on.
> 
> And I know it's a bit repetitive in this chapter, but for some reason it was really hard to write this chapter...
> 
> As someone pointed out, I tried to improve the formatting a bit, hope it's easier to read now :)  
Let me know what you think, commemts would be lovley <3


	11. Back when you were mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for bearing with me... I really can't thank you guys enough for reading this story. I have gotten so much great comments and feedback<3  
When I started this I never thought I would reach 20 000 words but here we are...  
Some more flashbacks in this chapter, but this time from some happier times.
> 
> So enjoy :))

_It’s still very early when Dan wakes up. It’s just starting to dawn outside. He can hear the drops of rain hitting the window. And even though he doesn’t like cold and bad weather, Dan’s quite happy about it today. Really needing to pee he tries to untangle Max’s body of his, which turns out to be a rather difficult task. When he’s finally free from Max’s iron embrace, he rolls over and stands up walking to his drawer pulling out a fresh set of briefs. His old ones lying somewhere on the floor where he left them the evening prior. _

_“Uhh it’s too early to get up. Come back to bed.” Max whines sleepily, eyes still closed but there’s a content expression on his face. _

_“I’ll be right back Maxy” and with that he vanishes into the bathroom. When he emerges again a few minutes later Max has fallen asleep again. Dan could watch him for hours. Sleeping peacefully. There’s an youthfulness, innocence and vulnerability showing on his face that disappears as soon as out of his apartment. Dan loves this side of Max, the side that is shielded from the outside. A side that Dan has realised, is not even known to his whole family. It took Dan a lot of time and love for Max to drop his guard and let him in. But this made Dan even prouder of what they had. _

_“You know I can feel you staring” Max rips him out of his thoughts. “Now come back to bed. It’s only…” Max glances towards the clock on the nightstand. “5 PAST 6 !? God, how can you possibly wake up at this time.” _

_Dan does as he’s told, slipping underneath the covers into the warm bed. Max’s warm body immediately pressed to his. “Now let me go back to sleep” Max mumbles before once again falling asleep. Dan watches him lovingly. Oh, how he wishes every morning could be like that. Sadly, of late Max was rarely this happy and relaxed. The last few months certainly have taken its toll on him._

_He still remembers a few weeks ago, Max being absolutely broken after Qualifying in Monaco and Dan being unable to console him. His Pole Position only angering Max more. But even if they had their fair share of hard times, Dan wouldn’t trade Max in for the world. _

This was the first time Dan dreamt of a happy memory. This had been after Montreal in 2018. It was ages ago but Dan felt like he still remembered every single detail. He had been sooo happy. And Max had been so happy. It hadn’t even been a special day or anything. Just a rainy Tuesday in June. But right now Dan would give everything to go back there. Back to the happy days. Back to when Max was still his.

But now everything was in shards. The big, beautiful glass castle they once build in pieces. A million little pieces that seemingly couldn’t be build up again.

He thinks back to where it all started. One of the worst weekends of his life, but in the end the start to a love greater than he ever believed in.

_Dan just took another beer out of the fridge in Max’s kitchen and wandered back into the living room._

_“Arrgh, God I’m just so angry. How can they just not be ready?! They called me in. They! Not me, they! They ruined my race. I started from pole, I should have won.” Dan was already on his approximately 7th beer and way beyond being halfway sober. _

_“Just because you start from pole doesn’t guarantee you a win. You still got second place. It could be worse.” Max, nowhere near sober either, was starting to get tired of Dan’s venting. Of course he felt bad that the team messed up his pitstop._

_“Could be worse? I should have won, Max! “ His words were slightly slurred, anger mixed with drunkenness._

_“At least you finished. Second is still a decent amount of points.” Max gets up from the couch and moves towards the kitchen to grab another beer, even though he knows he’s had enough to drink._

_Dan flies up from where he’s sitting and pins Max up against the living room wall._

_“You crashed! It’s your own fault that you made a mistake and didn’t get any points!” Dan responds through gritted teeth. His hands are gripping the collar of Max’s shirt. They’re only inches away._

_“Well maybe the team made a mistake today, Dan. I understand that it sucks but…” _

_“No, no you don’t Max. I could have won the last two races but I didn’t. And neither of them was it my fault. But you won one, so no you don’t understand.” They’re faces are almost touching. Max can hear Dan’s heavy breathing, he feels Dans body heat. He can smell the taste of beer. And suddenly Dan crashes his lips onto Max’s . Hard and rough and Max gives in, kisses him back for a second._

_Then suddenly forces Dan off him. _

_“What the fuck Dan?” More in surprise than anything else. “I’m sorry Max, I…” Dan doesn’t finish the sentence. Instead he lets go of Max and with quick steps moves across the apartment and out of the door. Leaving Max wondering what just had happened._

_They hadn’t talked since Monaco. Dan had been avoiding Max as good as he could. He didn’t really know what to say to him if he were to face him. But Max had just gotten a podium and he couldn’t really really just ignore Max as he encountered him in the hallway in front of his driver’s room._

_“Congrats mate! You drove a good race.” There was a sort of uneasiness hanging in the air. Dan looked Max into the eyes and he could feel the awkwardness surrounding them. _

_“Ahh thanks Daniel.You drove well too.” Max gave him a crooked smile and was just about to head into his drivers room as Dan replied._

_“I think we need to talk. We can’t really go on like this. I mean it’s not good for the team.”_

_Max looks at him sceptically. “Not good for the team. Hmm… yeah I guess.”_

_“We can’t just keep avoiding each other. We’re a team we have to work together.”_

_Max laughs dryly. ”You know I wasn’t the one avoiding you. But I think it’s probably better to have this conversation in private.”_

_“I really didn’t mean to avoid you, Max.” Dan feels like he should explain himself but doesn’t really seem to know how. _

_“No? Because it seemed like you were trying your hardest not to talk to me.” Max replies, but the slight grin on his face tells Dan that he’s not mad at him. At least not anymore._

_“Okay, maybe I was. I just didn’t want anything to change in between us, y’know.”_

_“It’s a little bit too late for that don’t you think?” Max’s expression turned serious._

_“I’m sorry Max. I know it was a mistake. I was drunk and angry. I guess I just lost it a bit. I really hope that we can go back to how things were. Be friends, right?”_

_Max’s heart sinks, he really had hoped that there was more behind the kiss. That the feelings weren’t just one sided. ‘A mistake’ right. ‘Friends’, one simple word and all of Max’s hope had been crushed._

_“Friends… sure. We’re friends.” Dan patted Max on the shoulder._

_“Great! All sorted then.” And with that left a heartbroken Max behind. _

Back then everything was so much easier. It might not have seemed like that back then, but he would happily go back then. Both of them to scared, to cowardly to admit that they had crossed the line between friend and something more long ago. When it was almost impossible to avoid each other for a longer period of time. But in the last year, Dan wasn’t even sure if he’d talked to Max even once. Not from what he remembers anyway. Even if he’d only moved a few garages up, he felt like there where oceans between them now. Literally.

\-----------------------------------------------------

“This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year Max. At least try to be in a good mood.” Victoria called from the kitchen island. She sat one one of those bar stools while Max was staring absently trough the window into the grey Monaco winter. Sophie had been gone shopping while the both of them had been given the task of decorating the apartment. In reality Victoria had done all of the work while Max was looking grumpily out of the window into the harbour.

But Max didn’t really feel like being happy and good spirited. He should be happy. He knew that. He had a great year. At least from a professional point of view. He’d won his first world title. Drove countless races where the Red Bull was supposed to be the third strongest and still got away with a win. A season that shut all the critics down. From that point of view his year couldn’t have gone better. But his private life? Nonexistent. Putting all his time and all his power into racing helped him forget all the other problems. But now he just felt empty. The high of winning slowly fading and his broken relationship with Dan ever so present.

“I just don’t feel like being happy Vic. I feel like my life is falling apart…” He was still staring outside. The grey clouds hanging low over Monaco perfectly mirroring his mood.

“So are you gonna tell me what?s going on? I guess it has something to do with Dan.” Her tone was soft. Max had always liked talking to her. She was a great listener.

“He’s gone. He left me a letter saying that he’s giving me a fresh start by retiring. I’m lucky if I’m ever going to see him again.” At that Max’s voice broke, a silent sob escaping his lips. He turned to his sister with tears in his eyes. “I don’t know what to do Vic. I know that I told him to let me go, but I just can’t believe he would just leave like that. He didn’t even say goodbye.” He closed his eyes and turned away. Victoria stood up and came up behind Max and hugged him from behind.

“Oh Max… I know this is gonna sound harsh but he’s only giving you what you’ve asked of him. You have always made it clear to him that you two are over. Once and for all. You can’t be mad at him for letting you go Max. You’re not the only one hurting. You got over him, and now he’s just trying to do the same…”

She could feel Max sobbing. Heavy shakes went through his body.

“I’m not over him… I’ll never get over him Vic. I’ve tried so hard but I just can’t seem to let him go. And seeing him in the hospital thinking everything was still good… that hurt. So much. I wish, god I wish we could just go back to that.” He exhaled shakily. “But we can’t.”

“You’re right Max, you can’t go back to that. But that doesn’t mean that things can never be good again. You can’t live in the past Max. What’s done is done. The question is can you move forward, so that one day you’ll be at the same point of happiness than back then.” Vic turned Max around, his eyes red from crying, cheeks stained and his expression broken. She wiped a tear away.

“You know I do believe that you can find that happiness again. But love requires sacrifice”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked to finally get some happy Dan/Max moments.  
Let me know if you would like me to include some more Dan/Max backstory, or if it gets to confusing for you...
> 
> And I promise they will meet each other again eventually :))
> 
> Thanks for reading, love you all <3


	12. Love requires sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A rather short chapter, and it's probably a bit messy but well...  
A bit more of Max/Michael, i hope you find their interactions just as interesting as I do..
> 
> Enjoy! <3

Victoria was right. As usual. Still, Max didn’t know how to go on from here. He had been thinking about Dan a lot in the past few weeks. Going through all sorts of possibilities. Forgetting about the cheating and all of that mess back than and give Dan another chance. Or letting Dan go and focussing on building a future without him. And still Max wasn’t sure what to do. Maybe in a way he was scared that Dan would hurt him again if he gave him another chance. On the other hand Max just couldn’t bare the thought of having a future without Dan.

But at the moment this looked much more real than one with Daniel in it. He wasn’t even sure if he would ever see him again. Or talk to him again, hear his laugh again, see his smile again.

And this wrecked him. He just felt like he had to talk to him. So he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled Dan’s number.

It kept on ringing, for what felt like ages. And then when he finally heard Daniel’s voice he’s heart sunk when he realised that it was only his voicemail. Max was just about to hang up when something in him, somewhere deep inside him lit up as if someone threw petrol on him and then lit him on fire. A fire raging inside him, letting everything out that he had been bottling up inside him for so long.

“Why would you do this to me Dan? Why? How can you leave me like that and say it’s a fresh start. Nothing about this is a start. You just made sure that we’ll never have an end. Not a real on at least.

Why couldn’t you just man up and talk to me in person? Why do you have to make everything so much more difficult.” Max paused, he didn’t really know where all of this was coming from and still, he couldn’t help himself. He just felt like to let it all out.

“ And I never look at you with hatred in my eyes! I..I… aargh. This makes me so angry, you, you make me so angry. How can you just leave like that. This is not a fresh start, Daniel. It’s the opposite really. You’re just stirring shit up again. You could have at least talked to me in person. Maybe it was the right time to talk about it.”

He hangs up, not really knowing what he just did, and what he just said. His head is buzzing. He feels kinda dizzy and has to sit down to not lose his balance. _What the hell did I just do?_

_Love requires sacrifice._ Max knew that he had to be the one to make the next step. Or at least move a bit towards Dan. But after his fucked up voicemail it was probably better to not talk to Dan directly.

Michael. Michael had always been one with the most insides on their relationship, at least from Dan’s side of it. He’d always gotten along with Michael, knowing that he always had the best in mind for Dan. As had Max. Daniel’s happiness used to be ranked above his. He would do everything to make Dan happy, to do what’s best for Dan. At least before everything went to hell.

Max even knew when it all started falling apart. Even though Max hadn’t been able to admit it before, now he knew. Dan’s move ruined so much between them, and even though Max knew it was the best for Dan he just hadn’t accepted it. He just couldn’t get rid of his mind telling him that Max was leaving him, and that Max was the reason why he was leaving. They might have been able to make up off track, off work, away from the team. But as soon as they put their helmets on again the poison, bitter fought rivalry continued. They had never been truly able to escape it. Somehow it would always come back to them.

Looking back at it now Max had to admit that it could have improved their relationship so much to not share the same team, the same inches on the racetrack anymore. But back then Max was to stubborn to proud to see Dan’s move as anything else than a betrayal.

“Max? It’s 6 in the morning? Please tell me there’s a good reason you’re calling me at this godforsaken hour.” Michael’s voice sounded sleepy and raspy as if he’d jut been woken up. Well he probably had, since Max hadn’t bothered to calculated what time it was in Australia at the moment. He even felt a little bit bad for calling Michael this early. Just a little bit.

“Hey, yes I need to talk to you.” Max kept wondering whether the reason Dan hadn’t picked up his phone might have been the time difference as well. But Max was to nervous to try to calculated the time difference now.

“And can’t you talk to me some other time? When I’m awake maybe?”

“Well, you’re awake now.” Max replied hopefully before continuing. “ I’m sure he told you about the letter. Why would he write something like that? Help me make sense out of this Michael.”

“I don’t know Max. It’s hard to understand Dan’s reasoning when it comes to you. I guess he wanted to give you a fresh start.” Michael seemed to be as clueless as Max about this.

“I already got my fresh start. And I really thought I started over. At least until you called me into the hospital.”

“He wanted to talk to you Max, what else was I supposed to do? You tell him everything? I-“

“I didn’t mean to accuse you Michael, I know you just did what’s best for Dan. I admire that about you, y’know? Always doing what’s best for him no matter the cost…”

Max could hear him exhale sharply, before replying to Max.

“You did so much for him as well, Max. You used to make him so happy. You were the only one that could cheer him up, make him feel better.”

Max felt a stab to his heart. He knew that Michael was honest but still this was almost to much for Max.

“I think in the end I did more damage than good.”

“Don’t say that Max. I know the end was ugly but he never blamed you for any of it, y’know. This is on him, and he knows it. Believe me, he knows.”

“ It wasn’t just his fault Michael. I know that with Esteban.. it’s on him. But the rest? I just couldn’t admit that it was better at different teams. I was to stubborn to understand his move. I just… maybe I should have let him go. Instead of trying to make him feel guilty for moving teams.”

This was the first time Max had actually admitted it to himself. Michael stayed silent for a little while.

“So what now Max? He’s let you go. Or well, he’s trying to. I know you didn’t call me to tell me that his letter was stupid and you never want to see him again.” Michael had seen right through him, just like at that night at the hospital. Max felt tears dwelling in his eyes. He had the feeling that Michael could sense this too.

“I don’t want him to let me go. I don’t want him to forget about me. Maybe I… I don’t want him to move on. I know this sounds cruel but maybe I want him to feel as hurt as I felt when he hurt me. I want him to feel the pain I felt.”

“But Max...” Michaels tone was soft, unbearably soft. “ He feels the pain everyday. He knows he has to live with his actions. He knows it’s on him. That pain, don’t you think it’s punishment enough?”

Michaels’ voice was cautious. Max didn’t know how to respond to that.

“Try to see things from his side. You can’t be mad at him for trying to move on, Max. He’s felt the pain, the hurt. Believe me Max, has gone through enough pain. He just wants to move past this. Don’t you think he deserves a fresh start as well? After everything?”

Max can’t help the sob that escapes his lips, a tear rolling down his cheek.

“But what if I’m not ready to let him go? I thought I was. I thought I was over him but I’m not. What then? I’m not ready for Dan to forget me.” Max’s sobs were stronger now, and he was sure that Michael was aware of them by now.

“Then forgive him. Forgive him Max, he’s felt all the pain, all the sorrow, all the agony. He’s had all the punishment. Forgive him or let him go, Max. Everything in between is just gonna tear you apart in the long run.”


	13. Love doesn't owe you anything

_“You really don’t look good Dan…” Max send a worried glance towards his boyfriend._

_“I told you, I’m fine!” His tone softened a bit. “Really, Maxy. Don’t worry, it’s just get cold weather.”_

_“Yeah, the cold weather that got you sick. It really would make me feel better if you stayed at home. You know how much I enjoy working out with you but I really don’t think you should even leave bed in your state…” Max’s pleading eyes were enough to convince Dan. He just couldn’t betray those eyes._

_“Okay, fine. I’m gonna stay in bed and die of boredom.” The sour tone was unmistakable. Max knew better than to reply to Dan’s sulking. He blew him a kiss and left towards the door._

_When he finally came back from his workout with Jake he found Dan in a even worse state than he left him in. His eyes were puffy and glazy, his cheeks bright red and he was covered in around 3 blankets. He barely noticed Max emerging in the doorway._

_“I think you were right Maxy.” His voice was hoarse and raspy and he was sniffling. “ This cold weather is really making me sick.” In this state Dan reminded Max more of a child than an almost 30 year old adult. _

_“I’ll make you some tea and then I’ll go to the pharmacy to get you some medicine.” Max felt utterly sorry for his boyfriend. He knew how much Dan hated winter and cold weather and getting sick certainly didn’t help the cause._

_“Tea? But I don’t even like tea…” Dan was starting to whine but was interrupted by having to cough deeply. _

_“No arguing Dan. You’re sick and tea is good for you.”_

_Max vanished towards the kitchen for a couple of minutes. When he returned with the tea in his hand Dan had fallen asleep. He set the steaming hot tea down on the nightstand and quickly changed into an outfit appropriate for the cold weather. _

_He tried to be as fast as possible, scanning the nearest pharmacy for usefull medicine._

_Upon returning back to the apartment Max found Dan slowly sipping on the not so hot tea. Dan still looked absolutely horrible. His hair was messy, his eyes red and there were black bags underneath them. His face seemed to be glowing, his cheeks bright red._

_Max gave Dan some of the medicine and made him another cup of tea with lots of honey in it._

_After Dan had taken some of the medicine and drunk around half of the tea Max had made, Max slipped underneath the covers and pulled Dan close to him._

_“What are you doing Maxy?? You’re gonna get yourself sick.” Dan tried to wriggle himself out of Max’s embrace but was too weak to fight against his strong hold. _

_“I don’t care. At least then I would have a reason to stay in bed with you all day.” So Dan cuddled as close to Max as possible. Putting his head on Max’s chest, listening to his heartbeat._

_“You didn’t have to do all this, y’know. Making me tea, getting me medicine, making sure I’m warm and comfortable. I can take care of myself.” Max slowly caressed Dan’s face._

_“Don’t be silly, Daniel. I’m your boyfriend, I wouldn’t let you suffer alone. Through good and bad times. Okay? I promise I’ll always be there for you, Daniel. I love you.”_

_“Love you too Maxy. Always.”_

Dan’s heart was aching when he woke up. This memory so bitter sweet.

Their lives were perfect then. Nothing could tear them apart. At least that’s what they thought back then. Oh, how much Dan would give to feel that love again. Just one more day. One more time. A last time feeling Max’s love being directed to him. Seeing the way Max used to look at him, knowing that he was the only one who got to see that side of Max. He would do everything to get that back. Just one last time.

He was just about to go make himself a coffee when he realised he’d a unanswered call on his phone.

His heart stopped for a second, seeing Max’s name on the screen. Why would Max call him? And in the middle of the night after all. Dan got even more nervous when he saw that Max left a voicemail.

With shaking hands he pushed the button to check his voicemail. He felt like his heart was beating out of his chest. He felt like he was close to passing out.

“Why would you do this to me Dan? Why? How can you leave me like that and say it’s a fresh start. Nothing about this is a start. You just made sure that we’ll never have an end. Not a real on at least.

Why couldn’t you just man up and talk to me in person? Why do you have to make everything so much more difficult.”

Daniel had to sit down, everything was spinning and his head felt like it was going to explode. There was a sort of pain laced in Max’s voice that moved something inside Dan. There was anger was well, but it didn’t really surprise Dan.

“ And I never look at you with hatred in my eyes! I..I… aargh. This makes me so angry, you, you make me so angry. How can you just leave like that. This is not a fresh start, Daniel. It’s the opposite really. You’re just stirring shit up again. You could have at least talked to me in person. Maybe it was the right time to talk about it.”

Dan thought about the way Max looked at him when he saw him by the elevators before he left. And Max was right, there was no hate, not even anger. Max seemed concerned and maybe a bit stunned to see Daniel. But he really didn’t seem like he wouldn’t want to talk to him. The opposite really.

_Maybe it was the right time to talk about it._ Dan just couldn’t stop thinking about the way Max said that. He couldn’t really decipher the tone laced in his voice. Regret? Anger? Sadness? He just didn’t know. And it made him so angry. Because he should know, he used to know. He used to know Max almost better than Max knew himself. But now everything was so different. Max was so different.

And Daniel wasn’t so sure anymore if Max really wanted nothing to do with him. The fact that Max would even leave a voicemail to tell him that this wasn’t a fresh start let Dan hope.

So after he composed himself and his knees stopped feeling so wobbly, he made his way to the kitchen to make himself the coffee and to text Michael. If anyone could help him figure out what Max’s voicemail meant it was Michael.

It didn’t take very long till Michael was leaning against the kitchen counter holding a cup of coffee in his hands. Dan had just played him the voicemail and Michael seemed just as confused as Dan.

“He called you this morning? Like at what time?”

“ What does this matter? I mean, I wrote him the letter weeks ago why would he call me now?”

Dan had brushed Michael’s question off, it seemed irrelevant to him, but Michael kept digging.

“Well, I need to know if it was before or after 6. Can’t you just tell me Dan? It’s important.”

“Before 6 I think. Why? What happened at 6?” Michael’s wide eyes already made Dan suspicious.

“Nothing. Really, Um… I-“ “Michael! I know it’s not nothing.”

Michael sighted deeply before continuing.

“Max called me this morning, okay? At 6 in the morning.”

Dan didn’t know what to say for a second.

“And what were you talking about? Was it about me?” Daniel realised how stupid and jealous this sounded the moment it escaped his lips.

“Of course it was about you Dan. I just didn’t know that he called you beforehand. Don’t worry it wasn’t important.” But Dan knew Michael too well. He could tell if Michael was lying even over the phone.

“Yeah right… C’mon just tell me what it was about.”

“He.. he asked why you would write him a letter like that. Like in the voicemail, he doesn’t feel like this is a fresh start for him.“ Daniel looked at him expectantly: “ And? There’s more, I know that.”

“And… He said that he should have let you go. He should have let you move teams. That’s it’s not just your fault that your relationship ended. I told him that he can’t be mad at you for trying to move on. And that you deserve a fresh start.”

Michael made sure not to mention the part about Max wanting Daniel to feel the same pain as him. Daniel looked at him surprisingly, he seemed so vulnerable in this moment.

“What else? What else did you say? Michael!”

Michael paused for a moment. “That he needs to decide. Either he needs to forgive you or..”

“Or what Michael? You know he won’t forgive me. Or what?”

“Either he forgives you or he needs to let you go. Once and for all. C’mon Dan, you know this can’t go on like this. There isn’t an in between. You’re on the other side of the planet trying to move on, Dan. You know he has to do the same, for both of you.”

Michael knows how much this hurts Dan, but he can’t just give him hope. Not while knowing, that Max might never be able to forgive. Max still loves Daniel, but Michael knows as well that he could have forgiven him a while ago and he didn’t. Love doesn’t promise a pain free and happy life. It doesn’t owe anything to anyone. 


	14. You still mean the world to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felt inspired tonight, so another chapter :)
> 
> And I'm so so sorry for this... I did actually cry while writing this chapter soo... be aware..
> 
> Thank you all for reading <3 enjoy!

_Forgive him or let him go, Max. Everything in between is just gonna tear you apart in the long run._

Max just couldn’t make up his mind. Well, actually he’d already made up his mind even before Michael told him that. He couldn’t possibly imagine ever being able to let him go.

He didn’t know how to go back to how things were either. Deep down he know that they couldn’t go back to how things were. Like Vic said. He had to move forward, start to build the future instead to trying to fix the past.

And Max had to admit that maybe he was scared. And hurt. Daniel had let him go. That hurt, more than he liked to admit. Max also knew that he had to be the one to make the next step if there was ever the chance of a future together. Dan had turned his back to him and walked away. He wouldn’t come back. Not if Max wasn’t willing to walk after him and make him turn around.

And that scared Max. Knowing that it was all up to him. He was the one who was holding the last bit of hope. If he didn’t make a move, no one ever would. They’d already lost.

The thing was, Max wanted to make a move he really did. He just didn’t know how, he didn’t know how to take a step towards Dan. And he was scared. Scared on getting hurt again if he let’s Dan back into his life. Scared that Dan maybe already moved on and doesn’t even want a future with Max anymore. So many things that could go wrong.

He was still at the same spot once he told Victoria all of this. Still not knowing what to do, hoping his sister would be able to give him good advice.

“You already said it Max. You can’t win a game if you don’t participate. If you don’t make a move, you’ve already lost. If you make a move you might lose, but at least you tried.”

“But I don’t even know what I would say to him. Or what I would do. What if he hurts me? Again.”

“Max… you’re hurting anyway. Look at yourself right now. You’re in pain just thinking about a future without pain. You know Max, a life without pain doesn’t exists. To suffer is as human as to breathe. You can’t live your life trying not to get hurt. It’s not gonna work… We cannot learn without pain. You know that Max, you learnt that the hard way. “

He knows his sister is right. He can’t lose anything in trying, only in not trying.

“But I’m so sick of pain. I don’t want him to hurt me again. I hate this you know. That he has so much power over me. The power to break me in an instant. And he did. He broke he Vic! Look at me, I’m broken and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fix it.”

“Only he can.” Victoria’s voice was so soft that Max wasn’t sure he heard right.

“What?”

“Nevermind Max. I thin-“

“What do you mean by that? Only he can?”

“You know, _you_ gave him the power to break you. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Not at all, it means that you loved him enough to trust him with your whole heart. Maybe, you need to give him the power to fix you as well. Restore that trust you once had. You have to forgive Max. Forgive that he-“

“That he cheated? You know I really don’t think he would cheat again, I mean it was partly was fault too.”

“Forgive that he hurt you. This isn’t about the cheating, Max. You forgot about the cheating a long time ago, otherwise you would have at least mentioned it. But you didn’t, not once.”

She paused and looked Max in the eyes. He realised she was right. He wasn’t scared that Dan would cheat on him again, he was scared that Dan would hurt him, in whatever way. 

“Max… I don’t know why you’re trying to fight against it so much. You won’t be happy like this in the long run. He’s given you whatever you wanted. More time, to be left alone, a fresh start, an apology… And still you can’t move on, you don’t _want _to. Max, sometimes you have to risk something to get an reward. You’ve never had a problem in risking anything. Not when it came to other things, so why is this so different?”

He didn’t really know. Maybe because it was _Daniel._ Daniel, the love of his life, the only person he could ever imagine spending his life with. He used to do everything for Dan. He could ask anything of him, and Max would break himself trying to make him happy. And in the end he did.

And he would do it all over again. Well, almost everything. Maybe not the part where he would distance himself from Dan, for moving teams.

“You love him Max! So why can’t you give him a second chance? Don’t you think he deserves one? The chance to do it better this time, don’t you think it might be wort risking it? For a happier life.

You know in the end, you’re the one who has to make the decision. I can’t make it for you. I just know that it won’t get better if you don’t let go of the past. Of all the things that hurt you. You don’t you have to forgive, you have to forget as well. Forget that he hurt you, forget that you hurt him. Let go of the pain, Max. You won’t move on otherwise…”

“I..I don’t know how, Vic! How can I just let go? I can’-“

“Yes, you can Max. You’re scared, I get that. But you’ve got nothing to lose…”

Her eyes were laced with sympathy. She gave him a quick smile, before leaving Max’s room. Max was staring at the door a long time after it had been shut.

In a way he knew exactly what to do. But then again, the voices in his head didn’t seem so sure about that. 

\-----------------------------------------

Dan had thought the conversation with Michael over and over. Now he was sitting on his bed looking at a picture of him and Max, that he found while pacing his room for minutes on end.

New Year’s Day 2017. Max had been spending time with him in Australia. Both looked so incredibly happy, carefree and with a decent sunburn. Well, at least Max.

Dan had started crying after a while. That picture bringing out emotions and memories that hurt. So much. This was all that’s left. Memories. Old pictures of happier times.

And Dan knew what he had to do. Even though it hurt so much, he just couldn’t see a way of Max ever forgiving him. A tear drop fell onto the picture, onto Max’s smiling face. Dan slowly lifted his hand on Max’s face. He could still remember the raspiness of Max’s stubble, the way his skin felt, the touch of his lips. Gently he wiped the drop away.

“You still mean everything to me, Maxy. But you’re just not worth the fight anymore…”

Ever so softly, this escaped his lips. As if to justify what he was about to do. As if Max could hear him, waiting for an explanation.. But no one was there. He was all alone.

\------------------------------------

The new year was inching closer and closer. Max had finally made up his mind. He wouldn’t let go of Dan that easily. He knew he had to talk to him, he just wasn’t quite sure how to do it.

Every now and then Max felt only inches away from packing a bag and flying to Australia. But he never made the move.

He didn’t know how he could face Dan. How he could look him in the eyes without breaking down. So he had to make the first move over text. Not something to big. A step towards Dan, not a leap.

Something redeeming, a step that showed Dan that he still cared. That he hadn’t given up on him. Something to give him hope, almost a sort of promise…

It wasn’t long after midnight in the new year when Max finally opened his messenger and typed his message to Dan. Short, friendly, promising.

_Happy new year Dan! May this year give us some happier memories… Max _

Max nervously played around with his phone for a while before admitting that Dan might not immediately reply back. After all he should know into what state Dan liked to drink himself into at New year’s.

\--------------------------------------

“Why couldn’t I reach you this morning? Phone dead?” Michael was just leaning against the kitchen counter with a glass of water in his hand. “You know I really could have used some sympathy this morning…”

“I’ve got a new number… New year, fresh start, new number…”

“You what?” Michael looked at him shocked. “ And what’s with all the old-“

“I deleted everything. Like you said. I need to move on. Let the old things go..”

“Did you..? Max? You didn’t delete his number, did you?“

But Dan’s face told him everything he needed to know…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me for this...


	15. Set it free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for taking so long to update....   
School and tests and all of this is taking it's toll on me.
> 
> Some new characters in this chapter.. Hope you like it :)

The offseason was slowly drawing to a close. And Max has never been happier about testing to start. To get his head away from thinking about Daniel. To distract himself with racing. Immerse himself in it.

Max hadn’t heard from Daniel. He phoned Michael a handful of times, but he’d been more than vague about Daniel’s whereabouts. And even though everyone concerned told him to forget about Dan and move on. Max just couldn’t quite do that. No matter how hard he tried. How much he tried to distract himself with holidays, training, preparing for the upcoming season. Daniel was just always there, in the back of his head. And if he was able to forget about him during the day, at night it would all return. Like an endless circle he couldn’t escape. Hell bend, running on the same spot, unable to move. The demons would always return, every night he was reminded of it. It was like torture, burning itself into Max’s brain.

Max turned up to preseason testing feeling more worn out than at the end of last season. And that was saying something. Some of his fellow drivers were quick to point his state of being out. It’s not like Max didn’t knew it. He knew how worn down he looked, how horrible he felt. Still, Max knew how to fight, how to get up after you’ve been thrown down. How to go on, even though it felt like the most hopeless thing to do.

At the end of the first day, just before Max was heading back to the hotel, Lando and Carlos approached him.

“Max! Hey, I know it probably none of our business but you can always to to us. Or just to one of us, if you want.”

Carlos had a knowing expression on his face. Max felt kinda guilty now. He hadn’t talked to him in ages, even to he considered the Spaniard one of his best friends. Lando probably too, but ever since Max started out in F1, he and Carlos had gotten along great. Maybe the media didn’t portrayed it like that. But the two of them had always preferred to keep their friendship lowlight anyway. Carlos put a hand on his shoulder.

“You know I hate to see you like this. I know you’re suffering, I just wish you wouldn’t shut us out like that. We could always talk about anything to each other. I don’t know what changed, but… Talk to us! We can’t help you if you’re not letting us in.”

Max looked at them with sad eyes.

“You can’t help me anyway. No one can help me. I’m sorry for not talking to you, but sadly I don’t see a way of fixing this mess that I’m in. I.. I mean I wish you could help me…”

“Then at least talk to us! Maybe it can already help to share it.”

Lando looked at Max with a painful expression. He slowly shook his head.

“It’s about Dan, isn’t it? “

A tear started to roll down Max’s cheek. He was just so close to breaking down. Carlos stepped forward and hugged him tightly.

“I just can’t seem to let him go. How can I move on. How can I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself it’s time to let the person I love the most go?”

Heavy shakes went through Max’s whole body. Carlos rubbed big circles on his back to try to comfort him.

“Let’s talk about this in private, okay? You’re finished for today as well, right? Let’s go back to the hotel and talk there.” 

\----------------------------------

Carlos and Max were settled on Max’s bed. Lando had left a little while ago, feeling too tired and letting the two best friends catch up.

“So what are you gonna do now? It’s not like you can just call him, eh?”

Max studied Carlos. Even though they hadn’t talked in ages Carlos immediately understood Max’s situation.

“I know, Chilli. I feel like I’ve lost him already. Now, that I’m finally ready to talk about everything, ready to give him another chance, he just turned his back on me. I know I can’t be mad at him for moving on… but,.. it just hurts. And now I don’t even know how to get in touch with him.”

Carlos sighted deeply, Max could see him thinking.

“You’re still in contact with Michael. You can reach him through Michael, right? But Max, what are you gonna do if he tells you face to face that he wants to move on? Max, I know you. You hate losing, and this is like losing the most important race, the most important thing.”

Max got up from the bed and moved towards the window. Looking out onto the grimm, dark sky, something he liked to do. It helped him think, clear his head in a way.

“I.. I need this… Chilli, even if he moved on. I need this to make a clean cut, even if it’s just one last time. Believe me, nothing scares me more than thinking of a future without Dan. But at the moment it looks pretty real. Clearance, that’s what I need now.”

Max kept staring out of the window, the sky seemed to get stormier by the minute. Carlos moved to the edge of the bed. He was just about to reply before Max interrupted his thought.

“I just… how can I look at the person I love the most and admit to myself that it is time to let them go?”

\--------------------------------------------------

“Max, I told you already, I haven’t seen Dan in weeks. He’s.. I don’t know. He just kinda vanished, tried to get away from all this stuff. I’m sorry Max, I really wanna help you, but at the moment Dan has just kinda distanced himself from everyone. And I have no idea how to reach him, mentally I mean.”

“Can we at least try? I need to do this… for me. To get a clean cut. A decision. Yes or no. Future or no future. Because going on like this, not knowing where we stand, it’s killing me. You know, I read something the other day. ‘Forgiveness is taking the knife out of your own back and not using it to hurt anyone else, no matter how they hurt you’. And I… I did it, okay? I pulled it out, and threw the knife far far away. A clean canvas, that’s all I can try to offer him now.”

Michael knew how hard Max was trying. He wasn’t just throwing the knife away. Basically he was giving the knife to Dan again, believing that he wouldn’t use it against him. Michael could only imagine how much courage this took. And he wanted to help Max. And Daniel in a way too. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Dan had been trying to get away from everything, forget about everything. And he had to admit himself that it wasn’t really working. He didn’t feel any better. He just felt miserable. He’d been moping around on his farm pushing everyone away.

Max was still a thought in his brain, but he was able to push him to the back of his head better and better. He’d thought that it would be easier to let him go, move on. Before he’d always kinda hoped that his fairytale ending would still happen. But now, he had to face reality. And reality was, it sucked. Trying to forget Max sucked. Because he wasn’t even half as good as it that he thought he would. He had thought that once he’d given up on him, it would be easy. It was everything but easy. It was the hardest thing.

Daniel was just making himself coffee late in the morning when a car pulled up to his house. He already knew who it was without having to look. Soon after, Michael came bursting through his door.

“I know you don’t want to talk. But this has to be. 10 minutes, then I’ll be gone.”

Dan sighted but pulled a chair out for Michael.

“Well then, I’ll let you talk…”

“I know you’re just trying to do what’s best for you. Or well, what you think is best. And you might have let him go, Dan. But he hasn’t not yet.-”

“Ohh, this again…” Dan groans.

“Dan! Just let me finish. And after I won’t bother you with this anymore… There are some thing I want you to know, that I kept from you. Max and I have been in contact for a while now. Well, really ever since that day of the accident. He.. well, he came that evening. And he asked about you, he seemed so concerned. And safe to say, he was the last person I thought would show up. But he did. And I promised him that I wouldn’t tell you this, because.. well I’m not quite sure. Probably cause he didn’t wanted you to know that he still _cared_ about you so much.”

Dan looked at him surprised. But Michael didn’t let him respond.

“You know I always thought that he moved on. But he didn’t, not at all. And you know, he tried to reach out to you at New Years, but you changed you’re number. So the other day, he called. And he sent me this voice message. For you.”

Michael pulled his phone out, Dan seemed still trying to process what he just heard.

“Just listen to it. And then you can do whatever you want…”

“Hey Dan, I just.. you know I wish to just move on like you, but I can’t I need to make a clean cut. So I need you to hear this. I really wished more than anything else for us to have a future together, but I know this isn’t up to me anymore. I already made my choice. …

Someone once said, if you want something very badly, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with. Um.. and I, you know am doing this now. I’m setting you free. I would love for you to come back to me, but that’s not up to me to decide.

And I just wanted to say thank you, Dan. You gave me so much. You showed me a love, I never thought that could exist. Thank you, for being there for me when I thought I had no one. For always listening to me and accepting my decisions. I’m sorry I didn’t do the same for you.

So there’s only one thing I want from you. Decide! Give me that clearance. Please, Dan”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all this angst and these cliffhangers... :/  
I just live for pain I guess :')


	16. Pick up the pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, soo this took waay to long.  
But to my excuse, I've been super busy with school and stuff.  
This chapter isn't super long but, oh well.
> 
> Hope you like it :))

Michael had taken Dan’s silence for enough of an answer and left soon after playing Max’s message. Daniel felt like someone had ripped the ground from underneath his feet. He just couldn’t escape Max. They seemed to always come back to each other. Like to magnets. Round and round in circles but in a way neither forward nor backwards. Stuck in an seemingly never ending spiral.

But Dan also know that Max was trying to break that spiral. Move forward, the only direction they could go. Together or apart. And here, right there Dan would have the power to finally end it. Once and for all.

And deep down he knew, the decision was already made.

\---------------------------------------

“Have you heard anything from Dan yet?” Carlos looked at Max expectantly.

It was the last day of testing. Max was more than happy for the season to finally begin. Only a couple of weeks and he’d be on the starting grid in Melbourne. Max had never been happier to finally be busier. The offseason had been killing him. Thinking about Dan had been killing him.

“Nah, I kinda stopped believing that I’ll ever hear from him again…” Max hadn’t said those words out loud ever. Maybe in fear that if he did, it really would be like that.

Max could feel the empathy on Carlos’ face and he hated it. Other people feeling sorry for him. He just hated it. He knew they meant well but still …

“Hmm… I mean maybe he’s just b-“

“Just what? Busy? On his farm all by himself? Yeah sure… You can’t be that busy to not even be able to tell be a quick _It’s over._”

Carlos stayed silent for a moment. He knew Max was right. And in this moment he despised Daniel. For causing all this pain to his best friend, for not even having the guts to finally draw a line. Once and for all.

“I’m sorry Max… I wish I could do something to make it better, I just don’t know what.”

Max suddenly almost felt bad for putting Carlos in this situation. He stepped forward and hugged his friend.

“Don’t be Chilli. You’re here listening to me and looking out for me. That’s already enough.”

\------------------------------

Max had never felt more physically prepared for a season than this year. And this meant something. He’d done whatever it took to try to get Dan of his mind. Even just for a couple of hours.

He been training harder than ever before, the pain making his heartache fade for a while. But mentally Max felt tired. Drained. Like someone had sucked the life out of him. He’d never felt less happy. There wasn’t much that put a smile on his face anymore. His friends, maybe. Victoria, every now and then. Him beating Jake in some of those stupid exercises they did. But only a temporary smile. The happiness never truly finding it’s way to his heart. And Max felt himself turning colder, more distant than ever before. There was only a handful of people he still trusted.

It was the week leading up to the Australian GP and Max and some other fellow driver where travelling to Melbourne. Max was sitting right next to Carlos, thanks to Lando who was willing to give up his seat for Max.

“Maybe he’s coming to the paddock this weekend. Or you could go see him Max! He can’t really escape the talking then”

Max sighted loudly at this.

“Let it go Carlos. I really don’t care anymore. I waited so long for him to at least give me some kind of answer. And what did I get? Nothing, as if I don’t even deserve to get clearance. All I’m getting is an end with a bitter aftertaste. The shards of a broken glass castle. And I’ve kept trying to put them together for too long, cut myself too often on the pieces.”

Carlos looked at him with sad eyes.

“Don’t Chilli, I can’t keep waiting for the _what if._ I… I just, I’ve got nothing left in this.”

“So you just become this stone cold person instead? Stop caring? Stop feeling?”

Max’s eyes were looking into the distance. The expression on his face was almost unreadable for Carlos.

“Yes… What else am I supposed to do. Everything hurts too much.”

He turned his head away. Carlos knew that there was no use in trying to change Max’s mind. It wouldn’t work anyway. So he changed the topic.

\--------------------------------

Even though the week was stressful and busy Max had still found the time to meet him. They agreed to meet in a little café, far away from the circuit where they could talk in peace. Max wasn’t really sure how to feel. I knew what was about to hit him. He prepared himself. Slowly he’d build up the walls again, a shield as cold as ice, protecting his heart from the pain.

Sitting on a little table, beer in hand and his foot anxiously up and down. After what felt like ages finally someone sat down across from him.

“Max. How are ya mate?”

Michael was smiling softly at him, but Max didn’t overlook the worried undertone on his face.

“Good. Yeah, I’ve been good. Can’t wait for the season to start.”

Michael eyed him warily. This wasn’t really the answer he expected.

“You look fit. Listen, I wish I could tell you any news about Dan but to be honest I haven’t even seen him since… well y’know _that_ day. I haven’t really had much contact with hi-“

“You know, I doesn’t really matter anymore anyway. What’s done is done” Max’s tone was cold.

Michael looked at him surprised. For a moment he didn’t know how to reply to this.

“So why am I here then. I thought…”

“I’ve always like you as a friend, Michael. You’re a good person. And maybe I wanted to say thank you. You did a lot for me, for _us._ You were always on our side and looked at things from a neutral view. I just… you did well, Michael. I just don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened. And I’m sorry for always pulling you into this drama.”

\-----------------------------------------

“Hey Maxy! Wait!” Max looked over his shoulder to see Carlos jogging up behind him.

“Congrats mate! Great lap” Carlos clapped him on the back.

“Thanks Chilli, yours was good too. I mean fourth place in quali, with a Mclaren? Great job.”

“I know, right? That lap was mega. Smooth operator, haha. So are you coming tonight as well?”

Max looked at him confused.

“Tonight? What’s tonight?”

“Well, you know this event. Season start party or something. It’s gonna be fun. Everyone’s going. And you finally need to get out there again.”

Max keep thinking for a moment. Even though he didn’t really feel up to it, he did remember Vicky telling him about it. And he just got Pole after all. Reigning champion and all.

“All right, I’ll be there. Just one condition.”

Carlos looked at him expectantly.

“No more mentioning of lovers and all that shit.” 

\---------------------------------------------

He easily spotted him in the crowd. His eyes would always find him. No matter how full a room was, his eyes would eventually pick him out of the crowd. He was laughing with a group of drivers- Carlos, Alex, Lando, Pierre – but his smile didn’t meet his eyes. He could detect a certain underlying pain in Max’s face, hidden beneath a well kept façade only visible for trained eyes.

Max had only been half listening to the story Alex had to tell, his mind somewhere else completely.

Suddenly he felt the need to go to the toilet. So he excused himself from the group and made his way to the bathrooms. He didn’t really know why, but this evening he felt kinda anxious. He wasn’t really sure why. Maybe because it was the start of the season. He was the defending champion, the one to beat. He would be the one with the target on his back this season. Slowly, he started to make his way back to the others.

“Maxy!” Max froze on the spot. The voice send shivers down his back. He’d recognize this voice anywhere. Quickly he turned around, just to make sure he wasn’t actually hallucinating. And there he stood, hands shoved in his pockets, looking as handsome as always, maybe a bit less in shape.

Daniel. Max took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “Daniel? Hi..-”

“Can we talk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go, it's finally happening....
> 
> Haha, another cliffhanger. But this time I'll try to update sooner ;)  
Thanks for reading. Comments are always welcome <3


	17. Lost without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So finally another chapter...  
Honestly I was so busy for a while, i kinda forgot about this story afterwards...  
Not my greatest chapter but at least something.   
This is probably going to be the second to last chapter so... Enjoy!

“Can we talk?”

Max stood frozen, unable to even move a single muscle. To say he was surprised was an understatement.

“Max” Daniel moved closer to him. And for a moment Max felt like running. He’d been waiting for Dan to make some kinda move for ages but right now wanted nothing more than to get away from this conversation. He didn’t wanna look into Dan’s eyes while he told Max that it was _actually_ over between them. This was what he was here for, right?

“Talk. Yes, uuhm… right now?” Max barley managed to get those words out and then once he did felt like slapping himself for sounding so awkward.

Dan looked at him slightly confused.

“Yes, now. I mean, that’s what I’m here for.”

“Uh yeah. Well, this is probably not the place for a talk. Uhm, my hotel is just around the corner, that’s.. uhm, you know better..-“

Daniel smiled shily at Max.

“That’s probably a good idea.”

Max led the two of them out of the club and to the Red Bull team hotel. The silence was more than awkward between them. Both on the brink of saying something and then stopping themselves. Once they arrived at Max’s hotel room he exhaled quietly.

He opened the door and gestured for Dan to enter the room.

“Do you want something to drink?” Max looked at Dan expectantly. Both of them nervous for the upcoming conversation.

“Nah, I’m good mate.” Even though Dan felt like his throat was on fire.

Silence again. As awkward as before. Max had sat down on the bed while Dan was still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. Max felt his heart beat heavy in his chest. Max wanted to be excited, relieved that Dan finally responded to him, but really he was on the brink of losing it.

“Why… Why are you here Dan?!” the words came out a lot harsher than he intended, but it mirrored his current state.

Dan looked at him speechless for a moment.

“You know why. You wanted me to come talk to you.”

“You could’ve just sent a simple “It’s over”, instead you showing up weeks later, in the middle of race weekend! So no, I don’t know! Why now, Dan?”

No matter how hard Max tried to stay calm it just didn’t work. His temper just had to boil over.

“I wanted to talk to you in person. So this was the perfect opportunity. And I needed to sort myself out first. I needed to think about what I wanted.”

Dan could see the emotions on Max’s face working. He could see him thinking, composing himself.

“ So you just.. show up here. Unannounced.” It was more of a statement than a question, hanging in the air between them.

Dan decided to ignore Max’s last remark. Instead of actually talking about their relationship, they were fighting. Again.

“I thought you wanted to talk. Figure out what we want, where to go from here. You want me to decide. You want us to have a future together. And I want that too. But here we are fighting again. Max, I want nothing more than for us to be together again. But you just can’t seem to move on. You won’t forgive me! But we can’t have a future like that. Just forgive me Max. Please!” 

Max turned away from him, moving towards the window. Dan could see his reflection.

“I forgave you a long time ago for cheating on me, Dan.” Max’s voice had turned soft. So soft, it made dan’s heart ache.

“Back then I loved you more than anything else. It wasn’t just your fault that our relationship ended. I could have given you a second chance back then, but I didn’t. The cheating, it made me so angry. Believe me, I wanted to tear you apart. Tear me apart, but what hurt was why you did it Dan.”

Dan can feel the tears dwelling in his eyes.

“Say it to my face Dan, I need to hear it from you.” There was no sign of anger on Max’s face now. Just pain and sorrow.

“No, Max…. I can’t-“

“It was never about the cheating. It wasn’t because you liked Ocon or wanted to sleep with him. It was to hurt me. You knew how much I disliked him. You knew that with him it would hurt me the most.”

Max wipes a tear of his cheek and turns back to the window.

“You know, that hurt me more than cheating ever could. That you did it to come back at me. That you did it to hurt me, because I hurt you. I know I did Dan. I wasn’t a great boyfriend back then, I know that. I should have supported you with moving to Renault. I knew that the team was poisonous for our relationship. I’m sorry Dan, I really am. But I never meant to hurt you. I was just so angry you know. It felt like you were leaving me as well. And maybe I couldn’t accept that you never let me in on any of it. I just never thought you would make such a decision without me.”

Dan can hear Max sobbing quietly by the window. And he hated to admit it, but Max was right.

“God, Max. You have to believe me, the moment I realised what I was doing I wanted nothing more than to make it undone. Believe me, I was out of my mind. I lost control. I lost control for a couple of hours and I fucked it all up. I’m so sorry Max. Maybe I wanted to make you feel how I felt. And then I did it and I have never regretted anything more. I never wanted you to find out…”

There was an unbearable silence, interrupted only by Max’s quiet sobs.

“You know at first I just couldn’t understand it. I was so angry. I think it would have been easier if you had an excuse, a reason. If you were drunk, or if you just felt like fucking someone else. You needed to let of some steam or whatever. Cheating was only a means to an end. A way to hurt me. I just never thought that you would hurt me on purpose.”

Dan was crying now too. His knees felt so shaky that he had to sit down.

“I.. I am so so sorry Max! You have to know that. I made a mistake. God, you have to believe me, i would do everything to turn back time and do it differently..”

When he looked up, Max had turned back towards him. The pain on Max’s face made everything even worse. Knowing that it still hurt Max after all this time.

“I know Dan. And I’ve forgiven you, I just… how can I trust you again? How do I know that it’s not gonna happen again if we get together? Believe me I want nothing more than to move on from this and be happy again. With you. – How do I know it won’t happen again?”

Max looked at him pleadingly, Dan knew that Max wanted to give him a second chance, if…

“I would never hurt you Maxy-“

“But you did, Dan! You hurt me more than anything else ever could.”

“I know, Max. But I love you. And I thought that you wanted to give me another chance.”

“I do. I want nothing more than to go back to how things were, I just.. what’s different? How do we know it’s not gonna end like last time?”

Dan looked at him, pain glistering in his eyes. He knew that there wasn’t an answer to this question. There was nothing Dan could say that would promise Max that it wasn’t gonna happen again. There really wasn’t much different. They were just more broken than before.

“We don’t Max. You just have to trust me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this isn't too big of a cliffhanger, but I just couldn't stop myself...  
Anyways let me know what you think.  
(Probably) last chapter coming hopefully soon.


	18. Moving on (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it... the final chapter.  
After 30k words and 18 chapter finally I've come to an end. xD  
When I started writing this story I never thought i would get this far with my writing.  
But I'm more than happy with the way my first fic turned out...
> 
> But anyway, hope you enjoy the final <3

-One year later-

Max hated it. He hated how empty the bed felt beside him. He hated having to wake up, without having anyone to cuddle. Well not anyone, not having _him_ to cuddle. Not being able to look into his beautiful eyes in the morning.

He plainly just hated life without Dan. His world had turned grey since he left. He felt lifeless, like someone had sucked all the happiness out of him.

The buzz of his doorbell ripped him out of thoughts. He already knew who it was. Nobody else would even dare to ring on his door before 10 am on a Sunday morning.

“Victoria-“

What he saw wasn’t his sister though, instead he was face to face with a black suit cover bag.

“Would you be able to lend me a hand? Maybe help me with this bag?” He only heard the muffled voice of his sister. Only being able to see her, once he took the bag from her hands.

“What’s up with this? And you better tell me why coming to my apartment at 8:30 on a Sunday was a good idea?” Max murmured back.

“Well someone’s in a good mood this morning. And I brought you a suit.”

He looked at her sceptically. She was carrying more bags, filled with unknown things and Max wasn’t sure if he really wants to know what’s in them anyway.

“Why would I need a suit? And what’s with all the bags? “

“It’s a surprise.”

That’s all he got out of her. A surprise. Max hated surprises. At least she cooked him breakfast, so he already halfway forgave her for turning up so early. As he was sipping his coffee she was eyeing him over the table.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You look like you haven’t slept in a week. And your face is slowly turning into the grey Monaco sky.”

He shot her a glare even though he knew it was probably not too far from the truth.

“Thanks Vic, really appreciate that. I just feel so down. I’m so lonely. Why did he have to leave? Why would he do that to me?”

Victoria slightly chuckled at his wincing tone before getting serious again.

“You know why, Max. And you’re not lonely! You got me, you’ve got Mum, even Carlos and Lando are in town. Don’t dare tell me that you’re lonely.”

“But life sucks without him, Vic. How am I supposed to survive this?”

“Oh come on now! Don’t be overly dramatic, you’re sounding like a child.”

He ignored her remark and turned his attention back to his coffee. Even the coffee did not taste as good. Nothing tasted good anymore. Everything sucked.

And then as if it couldn’t get any worse, suddenly all the electricity turned off.

“Oh great, just what I can use on a day like this.” Max groaned.

His sister looked at him empathaticly.

“You know being this negative is not gonna help, Max. I’m sure this isn’t gonna last all day. Power comes back on quickly, normally.”

Sure, Max thought to himself but decided not to answer his sister. This wouldn’t be the first time where the power would stay of the whole day.

He still remembered the last one a couple of years ago.

\-------------------

_The wind was howling around their apartment windows, Max had long stopped trying to fall back asleep. Next to him, Dan was sleeping peacefully. Obviously nothing would wake the Aussie up. Apocalypse could be happening and Dan still would not wake up. So instead of trying to fall back asleep, he pulled himself closer into Dan’s warm side. Slowly he let his head rest on Dan’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. There was nothing more beautiful in Max’s eyes than Dan asleep peacefully. Nothing made his heart happier than lying in his arms in the morning and looking at his face. _

_Beside him Dan slowly started to stir. Max could just feel the consciousness flowing back into Dan’s body. He could feel the way Dan was squeezing him slightly stronger than before. His way of telling Max that he was aware of Max’s body against his._

_“Good morning, babe” His voice was deep and raspy, his eyes still closed._

_“Morning Love. I really don’t know how you can sleep through a storm like this.”_

_Dan slowly opened his eyes and chuckled. _

_“That’s the honey badger in me, y’know. It knows when it’s time to be fast asleep and when not.”_

_Another howling sound from the wind let Dan wince._

_“See, there’s a good reason I hate winter. It’s cold, rainy or snowy, storming and everything turns so grey. It’s so depressing.”_

_Max laughed at this and snuggled into the crook of Dan’s neck._

_“You only say that because you grew up in the scorching heat. And you’ve only experienced the Uk and Monaco winter. It’s much nicer up in the mountains where you can actually see the sun and stuff.”_

_“Yeah, yeah whatever. I’d rather stick to summer.”_

_They stayed tangled up like this for another while before Dan finally decided to go to the bathroom._

_“See another reason why I don’t like winter. Bloody power outage!” Was all that Max could hear from the bathroom. Not to concern about it though, he decided to let Dan rant about it on his own._

_When he reappeared he looked at Max funnily._

_“Why does this not bother you. We haven’t got any power, Max!”_

_“Oh well, there are much worse things than staying cuddled up in bed all day.”_

\----------------

Victoria wasn’t wrong. It really didn’t take longer than 15 min before the power turned back on. Still enough time for Max to complain about it anyway.

For the rest of the morning Victoria was working her way around the apartment, cleaning up and stacking dirty dishes in the dishwasher, putting laundry on. Max on the other hand, was moping on the couch watching some boring TV series on Netflix.

Somewhen in the afternoon Victoria sat down next to her brother and sighted at his pick of series.

“We’ll leave by 5. Soo it would be nice if you could.. maybe shower? And then get ready, with the suit I brought you.”

Max eyed her suspiciously. “ I’m really starting to dislike your idea of surprise. Why the suit? What are we even doing? Going to the opera or what? Why do I have to dressing a fancy new suit.”

Max’s tone was starting to get agitaded. He was even normally not the type for fancy dressing but now it was even worse. 

“Well anyway, since you’re being so grumpy about it, I’ll tell you. Tom and I are doing out for dinner tonight and you’re coming with us. You need to get out there again, before you turn into a ghost.”

“Ha ha, very funny Vic.” Although he wasn’t really in the mood to go out with his sister and her boyfriend, he knew that Vic wouldn’t let loose until he gave in. He sighted deeply.

“Fine. Because you’re my sister and I love you. I’m only doing this for you.”

Victoria started to giggle. But her expressions turned serious quickly and she shook her head.

“Ahh no, I’m doing this for you, Max. You can’t lock yourself in an apartment forever, this isn’t doing you any good.”

Max didn’t reply to that and Victoria apparently decided to drop the topic. So Max stood up and slowly made his way to his bathroom and shower.

After the shower his spirits slightly lifted and the suit that his sister had gotten him was actually really nice. It fitted him perfectly, just the right amount of tight but not in a stretched out way. When he came into the living room Vic had already into a beautiful cocktail dress. She turned towards him and gave him a short look over.

“He’s got good taste.” She more said it to herself but Max still catched on it.

“What do you mean _he_? Who?” Max looked more confused by the second.

“Oh, just the tailor where I got the suit from. I showed him a picture and he really brought out your good features.”

Still confused Max decided to drop the topic. He took the keys from the counter.

“Can I drive? Where are we picking Tom up?”

“Uh yeah, if you want. We’re meeting Tom there.”

Max looked at here for a second before shrugging his shoulders and leading his sister out the door to his car.

The drive took about an hour. For most of the time there was an awkward silence in between them. Eventually they pulled up to a chic restaurant by the coast. Victoria led the way inside, where a concierge took her reservation. Afterwards she turned towards Max.

“You go ahead, Tom should be here in a second.”

Max hesitantly nodded and followed the concierge. He lead him through the restaurant towards the back. Candles were lit along the sides and rose petals were paving the way. Max grew more confused by the second. The concierge turned to him.

“Just follow the candles. The table is already set.”

Max slowly nodded and thanked him before making his way between the candles. It lead to an closed terrace, kinda like a winter garden , and standing near the glass looking out onto the mediterranean was a silhouette Max recognised in a heartbeat.

“Dan?” Max was still in shock, not knowing what was happening.

Daniel turned around, a smile spreading over his face. Slowly he was walking towards Max.

“Hi, stranger. Did ya miss me?”

Max was at a loss for words. Dan just grinned at him, he even had the decency to wink at Max. After a few deep breath Max finally was able to get some words out.

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in Australia?”

“No _Hi Dan, yes I missed you deeply _? Disappointing. Well, I’m here to have dinner with my boyfriend if that’s fine with him?”

The smug look on his face gave Max the rest. Two quick strides and he’d pressed his lips against Dans. Slowly deepening the kiss. Once they pulled apart, both were out of breath.

“No… no, what- why would you… you think I missed you?” Max brought out in between breaths.

Dan chuckled lightly.

“Ah well, a little bird told me that you were constantly whining about being lonely and how much it sucks without me and stuff. Soo, that isn’t true?”

Max’s face turned bright red, unable to hide his embarrassment.

“Don’t worry babe, it would be bad if you didn’t miss me. Anyway, I didn’t pay a fortune for this to just stand here and not even eat a single bite.”

Max sat down and started to look around, all the candles, the roses, the table for two, the champagne.

“What did I do to deserve this? Isn’t this to much?” Dan smiled at him fondly.

“Nothing to much for you.” He quickly gave Max a look down. “ You look good Maxy, the suit fits you.”

“Ohh, so it wasn’t the tailor Vic meant when she said _He’s got good taste._”

Dan chuckled lightly and leant over, reaching for Max’s hand.

“No, it wasn’t the tailor. I picked the suit. And I picked the restaurant. Do you like it?”

“Yeah. Well honestly you could have taken me to some shitty tourist restaurant and I’d still enjoy it. As long as you’re with me.”

Max hadn’t felt happier in weeks. Actually in 3 weeks, since that was when Dan left for Australia to meet up with his family for a bit. Without much speaking they ate the starter and the main dish. It was delicious no wonder Dan had paid a fortune.

“Soo, did you miss me too? Or were you too busy to think about me?”

Dan took Max’s hand in his and slowly placed a kiss on bis knuckles.

“Of course I missed you Maxy. I just also enjoyed seeing my family again. But then your sister kept telling me how miserable you were and how much complaining she had to endure… so I decided to come home early and surprise you.”

Max’s heart started to flutter at his words. The way Dan was looking at him, set of hundreds of butterflies in his stomach.

“I realised something Maxy. I… I don’t know what I would do if you left me. I can’t live without you. I mean it’s not that I didn’t feel this before… it’s just, seeing all my family and friends with their loved ones just did something inside me..”

“I won’t leave you, I mea-“

“Just let me speak for a minute, okay? From the day I met you I knew how special you were. I think I always knew that we were meant for each other. And I just.. I just don’t want to spend another day without you. Ever.”

He stood up and moved beside Max. Max was to shocked to move. Slowly Dan pulled a little velvet box out of his suit pocket and got down on one knee.

“ Max Emilian Verstappen, you’re the love of my life. You are everything that makes my life worth living. Will you marry me? “

He popped the box open to reveal a beautiful silver sing. Max was so shocked he could barley breath, he just kept starring at the ring in Dan’s hands.

“Um, you can talk now.”

Max looked up into Dan’s face only to realise how nervous he actually looked. He took a deep breath before answering.

“Yes, of course I wanna marry you.”

The next couple of minutes kinda happened in a blur. Dan slid the ring on Max’s finger and then they kissed each other. Dan the proceeded to open the bottle of champagne without killing anyone.

After a while, Dan looked at Max questioningly.

“ Ready to move on to the dessert?”

“The only thing I wanna taste now is you. But yes, why not dessert.”

Dan almost choked on his champagne and was coughing slightly, as Max gave him a smug grin.

After Dan steadied his breathing his expressions turned serious again.

“Thank you”

Max looked at him confused. “For what? I didn’t do anything.”

“For forgiving me. For giving me a second chance. For trusting me when, really, you had no reason to. I promise I will never make you doubt your trust in me. I love you Maxy, so much.”

“I love you too”

\-------------The End------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so at this point the only thing to say really is... THANK YOU  
Thank you for reading, for leaving kudos and comments, I wouldn't have gotten this far without all of you.  
I more than enjoyed writing this story and I hope you're as happy with how it turned out as I am.
> 
> Love you all <3


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